Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix
by EE's Skysong
Summary: A movie parody of Jonah! Featuring: Pietro as an asparagus, Todd as a cattipillar, Jamie as another asparagus, Magneto as a grape, Pyro as a squash, and Remy as a cucumber! Very odd and random.
1. Default Chapter

Super Disclaimer: I don't own anything beyond the image of Xavier as a camel!

(An: This is one of my favorite movies of all time. It's –really- funny and I'm going to attempt to make it funnier by adding the indignant chars complaints. After all, they're vegetables!)

As our scene opens, we hear a guitar strumming a Raffi type song and a minivan.

The road and woods are very dark, and the sky is cloudy with a full moon. In any other movie, this might be just a tad ominous. We get closer to the minivan as a porcupine scurries across the road.

We zoom in on the inside of the "veggie van".

In it, we see Jamie (an asparagus), Bobby (a pea wearing a baseball cap), Jubilee (a cucumber), and Amara (a carrot) sitting and singing in the third and second rows of the van. Amara is holding a ticket.

In the front seat, Hank (also an asparagus) is playing a guitar, and also singing.

Where are they going? To a Twippo concert of course, and they're all very excited… except for Logan (a tomato) who is very perturbed and messing with a map. Hank seems to be enjoying this, but Logan is twitching and muttering something like "A tomato? Why does the author hate me so!"

The other verses of this song are just as intellectually stimulating as the first.

"…Route 59?" Logan mutters. He messes with the map, hits the headlight button and turns them off. Everything goes black. "AAH! LIGHTS! I'M SCARED OF THE DARK! AAAH!"

Hank accidentally smacks Logan in the head with his guitar. As the kids continue singing, we hear Logan trying to find the light switch and panicking. "Whoa! Lights lights lights!"

We back up from the utter chaos that is the van as the headlights come on. A relieved sigh is heard from it as we see a "porcupine crossing" hazard sign.

Logan glares at Hank, who ignores him and keeps strumming the guitar.

"How am I doing this? I don't have arms!" he protests.

They continue with the song. Amara glances down at her ticket, smiling. "Smiling! I'm a carrot!"

A thunderclap is heard in the background as Storm glares at her. "As the director, I say- DON'T ADLIB!"

Amara's eye twitches. "I get to meet Twippo…" she mutters, not sounding at all reverent. Then she picks up the song again.

Speaking of the song, it's been increasing in speed and is now at a fever pitch.

"Twelfth grade!" Hank cries. "How can we be this far? We just started this song!"

"Would you like a storm cloud on your head?" Storm snaps in the background.

"Hurray!" all the kids shout in unison, and all look equally nauseated.

"Let's do another- Who's Twippo?" Bobby asks.

"He's a popular asparagus singer," Storm explains.

Bobby nods, but he clearly doesn't get it. "Riiight."

"I love Twippo!" Jubilee agrees. "And Jack Daniels," she says, much quieter.

"Me too!" Jamie agrees, and he at least seems genuine.

Amara smirks and holds her backstage pass aloft. "But I'M the only one gets to meet him, because I won the Twippo sweepstakes!"

"You don't have to rub it in," Jamie mutters.

"It's great that you won the contest, Amara, but let's try not to brag about it. Nice one with the lights, Logan!" says Hank, utterly oblivious to Logan's twitchy-ness.

Logan, who is dwarfed by the gigantic map, fakes a smile and laugh. "My pleasure! For the next song maybe I can drive into the river!" He twitches, still wearing that ooooh so creepy smile that looks kind of like a scream.

Hank squeaks.

The kids in the back cheer. "Yeah!" they chorus, and then, the ultimate insult, they sing. "Drive into the river, Logan Oh! Drive into the river Logan!"

"Or maybe… you could help me with the MAP!" Logan yells over the hyper kids.

Hank seems dismayed (and a little scared.) He seems to be wondering if a tomato without hands could have claws. "Oh… I'm sorry."

He leans over and attempts to help him, but ends up shoving the map over Logan's eyes again. The van swerves.

Amara smirks and waves the ticket in Jamie's face. "Is there anything you want me to tell this misguided asparagus… when I MEET HIM!"

The van swerves again as Hank turns around and shoves Logan into the steering wheel with his guitar. Amara falls against the window and her ticket goes flying out of it.

"Amara!"

Amara doesn't hear him; she just does a dramatic gasp. "My ticket!"

Logan just notices this and loses his grip on the map.

"Wha-?"

This startles Hank, who once again knocks him against the steering wheel.

Logan drops the map. "Huh! Wha… Quick! Get it!"

He tries to get a grip on the van as Hank tries to grab the map. Well, figuratively anyway.

"The map!" Logan yells."

Hank leans over farther and bangs his guitar against Logan's head. "Sorry!"

Logan screams, a scream of complete madness.

"My ticket!" Amara cries again, oblivious to the chaos up front.

Then Hank's guitar gets stuck in the steering wheel.

"Do you mind!" Logan cries. "I loathe backseat drivers!"

"I'm stuck!" He grunts as he tries to pull it free. He gets excited when he does, but it quickly fades when he and Logan discover that the steering wheel is stuck to it.

Everyone in the van screams.

"Get it on! Fix it! Put it back!" Logan cries.

"How am I supposed to do that WITHOUT ANY ARMS?" Hank yells back.

"You're really sore about that, aren't you," Storm comments.

"YES!"

There is much chaos. The van's out of control, everyone's yelling, the guitars boinging, and then, the perfect side-dish, a family of porcupines is crossing the road.

The momma, who looks remarkably like Mystique is shocked. She looks at her babies, who look remarkably like Kurt and Rogue.

"Get her away from me," Rogue says from between clenched teeth.

Mystique glares at the van and lets out her quills. "The things I do for love…" Mystique is heard to murmur.

Back to inside the van, and Logan can see again now that the map's down. He shrieks as he sees the vindictive Mystique porcupine glaring at him. The babies blink innocently until Rogue sees through Logan's tomato-ey disguise. Kurt pins her to the ground or she probably would've jumped up on the hood of the van. She's yelling, "Logan! Logan! Save me! For the love of all things sacred SAVE ME!"

Logan doesn't hear this despite his super-senses. "PORCUPINE! RUN! MYSTIQUE'S AN EVIL PORCUPINE!"

Mystique, hearing this, snaps and throws her quills. They pop the two front tires.

Everyone screams again. There are a lot more as the van swerves into the woods. Logan tries and fails to regain control. The van ignores this and continues down the path which happens to lead to a river.

In rapid succession, Logan has to avoid a number of obstacles which Hank calls out like a highly-caffeinated sports announcer.

"Tree!"

Logan obediently swerves to miss a huge tree. The kids in the back are bouncing up and down and screaming. It brings to mind riding bikes down a flight of steps.

"Cabin!"

Logan again swerves to miss a cabin. He avoids it, but heads right for the clothesline, a sturdy multi-line job with several articles of clothing, most prominently a pair of polka-dotted boxers.

"Ok, who's puttin' my underwear on public display!" Logan shouts.

In the background, Storm can be heard snickering.

"UNDERWEAR!" Beast yells in abject terror.

Logan doesn't turn in time, and they head right into it, the shorts plastered across the windshield. The kids scream as though it were an alien on the windshield. The cords of the clothesline hold, and the van slows down.

The kids scream.

After a second, they quiet, and everyone just sits there in shock.

Logan's eye twitches, and in a visible effort to be calm, he says "Heh… heh… Well, I'm glad that's over!"

There is a loud "Poing!" Logan looks at Hank, who hasn't moved from his position of abject terror.

"Did you say something?"

There's another poing, and we see another of the clotheslines snap.

Logan and Hank's eyes widen in unison.

"Oh.." says Logan.

"dear…" Hank finishes.

The last three of the lines snap and the van hurries toward the river. The kids eyes widen and they press back in unison, and everyone screams like mad!

Logan laughs wildly.

"It's like mad, not like they're insane!" Storm yells from offscreen.

"What's the difference?"

We back off a bit, and see a stump, too low for the van's passengers to see. The van hits it, stops cold, and the airbags puff up. They engulf Hank and Logan, who shift uncomfortably as the kids quiet.

"Am I in… heaven?" Logan asks, voice muffled by the airbag.

There is a pause.

Hank sniffs. "Smells like…Wisconsin!"

Author: AND JUST HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT WISCONSIN SMELLS LIKE!

"Calm down," says Hank. "It was just an innocent comment."

Author: -glares-

The kids relax and fall back in their seats.

After a second, the sliding door on the side of the van opens and Logan comes hopping out. He looks around a bit, the others watching nervously.

"Well… Nobody got hurt!" he says, trying to be cheerful. It's pretty creepy. "You think everything I do is creepy, don't you?"

"Not everybody has a healing factor, you know," Hank mutters, but without much conviction.

There is a doink and we see a flying quill lodge itself in Logan's behind. "AAAH!"

Hank looks up the hill and sees Kurt turned around as if he were the one making the shot. Mystique is nearly crying with laughter while Rogue is shouting entreaties to Logan to save her from her insane mother.

"Wow! What a shot!" Hank cries.

Logan glares at him, clearly in pain. He makes a noise like "hrrrgrrr." Hank wisely shuts up.

"Hey, what's that?" Jamie asks.

Everyone looks where Jamie is looking. It's an old, rundown shack under the bridge along the bank of the river. A red neon sign reading "Seafoo" buzzes.

Everyone except Logan says "Ooooh…"

"What's 'Seafoo?'" Jubilee asks.

"…Maybe it's like… tofu?" Bobby suggests.

"Only saltier," Hank agrees.

Back to the resteraunt. A "d" on the end of the sign flickers, revealing the word "Seafood!".

"Aaaah…"

They enter the place. Jamie's teasing Amara and Hank's arguing with Logan as they try to enter the swinging doors.

"Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this mess!" Logan snaps.

"I said I was sorry… I'll do better next time!" Hank replies.

"There isn't gonna be a next time!" Logan yells.

"Mr. Logan? How are we gonna get to the Twippo concert now?" Jubilee asks.

"Yeah! We're gonna miss the bald bunny song!" Bobby agrees.

"I don't know!" Logan replies, as he tries to push his way through. "I don't know about any… bald bunnies! (unless I made them that way)"

"Even if we make to the concert, I can't get it! I lost my ticket!" Amara wails.

"Serves you right for waving it around in my face!" Jamie says.

The door continues to turn as Bobby sings, "I'm a bald bunny, ain't got no fur! I'm a bald bunny, brr brr brr!"

"I have to go to the bathroom," Jubilee complains, still stuck in the revolving door. "I had oooone too many JD's on the way over here."

"You know, I'm usually not that clumsy in the car," Hank says. "Usually I'm quite dextrous. At least, I was, until I lost my ARMS!"

"Let it go already!" Storm yells.

"Two flat tires. How in the world are we gonna change two flat tires?" Logan mutters to himself. "Where's the phone?"

"I lost my ticket!" Amara cries again.

"If you hadn't been teasing me with it, we wouldn't be in this mess, Amara!"

They finally get out of the doors as Amara gazes sadly at the floor. Sitting at the desk and watching this are Jean-Luc and Julien. They argue for a moment, then notice them.

"Can we help you?" They ask in unison.

The others stop, and then begin talking at once.

"The asparagus whacked me in a head with a guitar and our van got take out by a mad porcupine, then another one got ME…" Logan complains.

He turns around and shows the quill still stuck in his butt.

Bobby is still singing the bald bunny song.

"Maybe it's because I'm used to the ukulele. The neck is so much shorter. Yeah… that's why… Say… I need to call my wife… do you have a phone?" Hank asks.

"Amara was teasing me with her 'special ticket' and then it flew right out the window and she screamed and made the van crash-" Jamie turns to Amara- "-And now NONE of us get to see Twippo!

Jubilee waits for everyone to shut up, then asks, "May I please use the bathroom?"

"What is up with you?" Bobby asks, stopping his song because of her odd behaviour.

"I'm drunk and I need to pee, so shut up!" Jubilee snaps and then smiles sweetly at the confused peas.

"Down de hall, first door on de left," Julien says.

"Thank you," Jubilee replies, and hops off towards the bathroom.

Bobby notices the video game at the end of the hall. "Ooh! Captain Ahab's Moby Blaster! My favorite!" He follows Jubes down the hall.

"What do y' want?" Jean-Luc asks.

"Well, bubs, the asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar, and an angry mother porcupine shot out our tires and one of her babies got me…" Logan explains, again displaying the quill.

Julien and Jean-Luc wince. "Oooh."

"And I need to use your phone to call-" Hank begins.

"A tow truck!" Logan cries.

"My wife," Hank corrects him.

Jean-Luc still looks majorly weirded out. "I see."

"Next t' de Moby blaster," Julien says to Hank.

"Thanks." He hops off.

Now only Logan, Jamie, and Amara remain.

"…Well… In the meantime, would you like to have a seat? Maybe enjoy a nice…" His eyes light up. "COMBO PLATTER!"

He and Julien completely forget their rivalry and begin dancing around. Julien and Jean-Luc lead them back toward their table, still doing their little dance. In the background we hear someone singing... which would be foreboding if I could post the lyrics...

"Do you prefer poking or non-poking?" Julien cries, delighted with his own bad pun.

Logan forces an annoyed laugh. "Eh heh heh.. non!"

Jean-Luc laughs. "Good one Julien! You are one clever pea, no?"

Julien does that weird French laugh.

He then yanks the quill from Logan's butt. Logan does a little squeaky scream.

Julien examines the quill as Jean-Luc continues leading the group.

"Voila! A skewer for the scampi!"

He hops back towards the kitchen, and we see the ones singing. It's three scraggly pirates, Magneto (a grape with a large hat that covers his eyes), Pyro (a squash with a bandanna that covers his eyes as well), and Remy (a cucumber with an eye patch that's not covering his eyes).

The others reach their booth and it's right next to the Pirates.

"Please, make yourselves comfortable, I will be back to steal your stuff! I mean, uh, take your orders," Jean-Luc says. He puts the menus on the table and hops away.

"Why don't you two wait here," Logan suggests. "I'm gonna go call a tow truck. Maybe we can still make it to the concert on time… and maybe monkeys'llfly out of my pants."

"You're not wearing pants," Jamie points out.

Logan ignores him and hops off.

"Yeah, everyone but me…" Amara says, sounding depressed.

"Hey! It's your own fault for teasing me! You're just getting what you deserve!"

Amara glares, and hops off. "I'm coming with you, Mr. Logan."

Jamie sits down and picks up the menu in front of him.

"Steak and Shrimp… $10.00

Scampi on a Skewer… $7.50

Scampi on a Clean Skewer… $10.00

Compassion… Market Price," the menu reads.

Jamie doesn't know what the last one is. He raises an eyebrow. "What's scampi?" he asks.

Suddenly the sliding Plexiglass wall between the booths slides open, and Magneto leans closer. "Excuse me!"

Jamie freaks and drops his menu. The Pirates stare at him. "AAH!"

"How's it goin?" Remy asks.

"What's up mate?" John asks.

"Who are you?" asks Jamie, sounding suspcious.

The Pirates look around and behind themselves. "…Who, us?" Magneto asks.

Jamie thinks the question was obvious. "Yeah, duh."

Magneto seems startled. "Oh! We're the… Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!" He strikes a little pose and nearly knocks his hat off.

"Oh, ya know that's right," John agrees, nodding. "Where's my lighter?"

Remy ignores him and goes on. "Nothin'." He not-so-subtly shoves John.

"Zilch."

"Nada."

"Didn'tcha hear our song?" Magneto asks.

"Well… yeah.. but…" says Jamie. He's obviously rather awkward about this whole thing and confused.

"Look… Sonny… can I call you Sonny? Where do you come up with this crap!"

Author: No swearing! This is a –Christian- movie!

"It's Jamie."

"Hey! Pretty close. Well, not really. Ahem. Look… Jamie… We couldn't help but notice you were havin' a little thing with your friend over there."

"Yeah," John agrees. "You weren't being very nice."

"Well it's her own fault!" Jamie bursts out. "She was teasing me and now she's getting what she deserves."

"Right," Magneto says. "Jamie… we've seen these types of situations before."

"Happens all the time," John agrees.

"What you need is a little compassion," Magneto continues.

"…And maybe some scampi," Remy adds. "Is scampi like crawdads?"

"You shut up," Storm snaps in the background.

Jamie raises an eyebrow, then chooses to ignore Remy and says, "Hey… I saw that in the menu. What is that? What's compassion?"

"Ooh, that's a hard question," John says.

"Everythin's a hard question t' y'," Remy mutters, mad about his lack of lines.

Author: Relax. You get lots of lines once we meet Jonah- er Pietro. And besides, you're supposed to agree with him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Remy mutters, and then, going back to the script, "Mmm Hmm."

"Well… compassion is when you see that someone needs help, you wanna help 'em!" Magneto cries.

Jamie looks confused.

"That's what I thought you'd say," Magneto says, nodding.

"They all do," says John.

"Yep," Remy agrees.

"We find it helpful to illustrate with a little story," Magneto again.

Author: I'm running out of synonyms for "says", ok!

Jamie seems interested. "A story? …What am I, five? I don't need a bedtime story!"

"Yep," Magneto says. "You know, we call ourselves the Pirates Who Don't do Anything, but that's not entirely accurate…"

"Yeah! Remember when we did that one thing… with that one guy?" Pyro says.

"You couldn't be more specific? I'm an old man!" Magneto snaps.

Author: That's not the li-ine…

"Ahem, right," Magneto mumbles nervously. "Oh… do I ever…"

"I remember it like it was yesterday," Remy adds. He slurps his root beer and the scene fades out.

(Whoo, that was long. Next chapter, we meet Pietro and have a Brodway-esque song! And the reason this one chappy was so long is 'cause I wanted to get rid of the prologue part right away. Review, mes amis!)


	2. A Message from the Lord and Random Cameo...

(An: Here we go again… I don't really watch the series either but this movie is just too manic to ignore. At four A.M. my friends and I usually sit up and quote this movie. And one thing, italics is voiceover narration.)

Our scene opens to a small town in Israel named Joppa. Not much of a name, not much of a town. The three Pirates approach a booth. In modern times it would be a diner; now it's just an odd dining counter. The man standing there is Havok, a.k.a. Alex. He watches them suspiciously but also a bit amused. "You dudes still doin' that 'Pirate' thing?" he asks.

Author: Alex, slang please.

"Hey, lady, I'm my own man."

"And the author hates you, so watch what ya say or she might fry you," Storm retorts.

"Shutting up now."

If John had a foot he would be tapping it impatiently. "Arrgh! Watch yer tongue mate, or we'll havta…" Long pause. "…What will we do?"

"We won't do anythin'," Remy answers. "We're de "Pirates who don't do anythin',' remember?"

"Oh, that's right," says Pyro, and he looks disappointed that he doesn't get to fry anything. "Arrgh! Ya got off easy today!"

"Whatever man," Alex mutters, and keeps himself busy.

"We need more 'Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!'" Remy cries. "…Are they like Cheetos?"

"Doesn't matter, just keep up with the script!"

"Yeah! And **root** beer!" Magneto agrees.

"I told you dudes, no more cheese curls 'til ya pay your tab! Ya still owe me from last week," Alex replies.

"But you'll take away our chance to win the 'Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!" John cries.

"…What?" Alex asks.

"Inside one of those bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!" Magneto cries, suddenly impassioned. "…I'm impassioned about cheese?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact you are," Storm says in the background. "You have a problem with that?"

"No ma'am," Remy says, covering Magneto's mouth.

"Much better," Storm says.

"Well," says Alex after thinking for a bit, "You could work here for me… that way you could EARN more cheese curls."

The Pirates chorus "GREAT!"

"So, uh, what do you dudes do?" Alex asks, cocking his head.

The Pirates think, and it takes a visible effort.

"HEY!" In the background thunder booms and the Pirates quickly shut up.

"Well… I'm pretty good at lawn darts," Magneto suggests.

"Ping-Pong! I can play Ping-Pong!" Remy cries cheerfully.

"Croquet is my specialty," John brags, drawing out the syllables in the last word.

Alex just stares at them. "You guys are whack."

"When do we start?" Magneto inquires.

Alex slams the gate down on his booth. "Hey, that is so not my style!"

There is a crack and a nasty sounding sizzling sound. "I've wanted to do that forever," Storm murmurs nastily.

"Monday's good for me," Magneto says, oblivious to the fact that he's just been snubbed. "I'm not this stupid in real life you know."

Author: That's news to me…

_We were short on cash. It seems not doin' anything didn't pay very well._

"So what do we do now?" John asks.

Remy thinks, and believes no one can see the strain it causes him. "What is with all the stupid jokes!" he yells.

Author: I have to make this funnier and with the Acolytes that's the only way to do it.

Remy twitches but says his line. "Mmm- nothing!"

"You are a genius!" John cries, delighted.

They exit, passing by a booth selling fish. Two peas, Julien and Jean-Luc again, have a pile of old fish with flies buzzing around them in front of them.

A man, Principal Kelly to be more specific, walks up to them. "Are these fish fresh?" he inquires, looking doubtful.

"Y' bet!" Jean-Luc cries.

"Oh _oui!_" Julien agrees.

Kelly sniffs, and it turns out the fish are quite rotten. He turns green and falls over.

"So that's why you picked him for that role," Storm observes.

Author:Very astute of you to notice.

"What? They were fresh when we caught them," Jean-Luc exclaims indignantly.

"Dat's right," Julien says, nodding.

"Two weeks ago!" Jean-Luc finishes.

They chuckle unpleasantly in their French way and slap each other with their own rotting fish… a little too hard to be friendly.

"Mmm, Ninevites," Remy mutters.

_Beside the fact that we were low on funds, this was a memorable day because he showed up!_

The Pirates turn to look at a tall figure entering the market. It's Pietro (an asparagus, as promised), riding his camel, Xavier.

"Why am I a camel?" Xavier asks.

"Why am I a vegetable!" Pietro cries, outraged.

Author: Xavier, you reminded me of Reginald, and Pietro, you get real pale later on.

Xavier seems satisfied but Pie's still sulky.

Author: Vaguely preachy part coming up. We'll wait for you to skip it.

_Pietro! Now, Pietro was a prophet of God- which means he was one of the very special people God chose to deliver messages to Israel. He was kind of like a mailman, except his letters came straight from God!_ Having gotten a little over excited on that line, Magneto clears his throat and continues, calmer. _Ahem. Anyway, Pietro loved helping his friends by bringing them God's messages. Sometimes the messages were good, sometimes not so good. But when a prophet talked, everyone listened!_

Alex leans out of his booth. "What's the word Pietro?"

"Yeah, what's the word?" asks nearly everyone in the square.

Pietro, acting very dignified, pulls up his camel. "Stop right here, Xavier." From his demeanor, it's clear that he too is very British. Also, he has a monocle just like Pie's.

Pietro looks around for a moment, then music starts. "Dear people, I bring you a message from the Lord! …I feel cheesy saying that."

"It's intended to be cheesy, just get on with it!" Storm yells in the background.

"Yeah, yeah, you ain't the boss o' me," Pie mutters.

The crowd gasps.

"Oh, it's a message of encouragement!" Pietro cries.

The crowd relaxes. "Whew!"

Pietro hops off his camel and starts hop-dancing around. He's singing, as well, but, well, you know.

Pie hops in front of three shops, selling pork, bats-on-a-stick, and bug burgers. He tells off the merchants (in song!).

The three merchants (Duncan, Paul, and Arcade) look at each other, then simultaneously pull strings that change the signs on their booths. The first two are now selling bagels, while the third is selling jambalaya.

"But jambalaya didn't exist in the Middle East!" Arcade cries.

Storm growls. "You want some o' this?"

Arcade squeaks and tries to make himself as small as possible.

Pietro frowns. "Are you all quite DONE!"

"Yes sir!" the other three yell.

"Much better."

Author: Yes, well, it's stuck in my head so you can't complain.

Pietro hops up to a man in a cloak (Mr. Sefton).

"Why am I here, and why am I a cucumber?"

Author: Actually, I think you're a zucchini.

"Oh, that makes me feel SO much better."

Storm is getting quite perturbed now. "JUST SHUT UP!"

Pietro ignores them and restarts his song. He commends him on his clothing choice (still in song!).

The kid next to him, Ian, cracks up. Pietro smacks him.

The townspeople pick up the song. Every line is accented by a cheerful exclamation from Pietro- "That's right!" "You've got it!" and so on and so forth.

"What is with all these human bit parts?" Pietro asks.

Author: I like using humans for my bit parts, and most of the mutants already have a part.

"All together now!" Pietro yells. They repeat the chorus,then hop around the square in a long line, making "Whoo whoo whoo" noises.

Three girls in a cart, Danielle, Rahne, and Teryn, ride by, singing, "Yodel-ey-eee-who!"

Pietro gets a little over-excited and begins to hop around faster, singing frantically.

"**Follow them and you're no fool," **the townspeople agree.

Everyone holds the triumphant pose as they finish the song for a second, then communally blink, seem to realize what they're doing, and, sort of embarrassed, go back to work.

"All right, good show everyone!" Pietro shouts in his best "Brit" voice. "Thank you very much!"

_That was pretty much Pietro's life! Town to town, bringing God's messages to his friends, not a bad gig, overall!_

(Not sure if that chappy was as fun and random as the first, but just wait 'till I get to do Todd as a cattipillar!)


	3. No, it Cannot Be, and Much Sugar High In...

(An: Here we go again...)

We zoom in on Pietro's tent. It's tiiiiny!

Author: Gee, I don't see any non-Christian context to that...

From the tent there is a shout. "HEY!!! I'm smooth with the ladies!!!"

Author: No, you're an asparagus.

Pietro growls.

"Can we go on, now that you've done your tirade against Pietro?" Storm asks, tapping her foot.

Author: Indeed, go on, go on.

We head inside the tent, to see Pie in his PJ's. How, um, sweet? On the wall is a large map of Israel that extends just enough to show Ninevah.

"Well, isn't that convenient," Pie mutters, still sore about the connotation comment.

"It's a plot device for the song," Storm explains.

_Ahem. Can I say my line now?_

"Yes, that would be nice."

_Right. So, every night before he went to sleep, Pietro would pray and ask God if there was a new message for him to deliver. And this night, there was a message that would change Pietro's life!_

Pietro has his eyes closed, and is supposed to be talking with God. Of course, he could be conversing with the voices in his head, or possibly his camel Xavier, but considering the movie and the song cue, it's probably God.

"Hey! I do NOT have voices in my head... at least not ones I can hear..." Pie whimpers.

"Ahh, just say yer lines," Storm mumbles.

"A new message... yes... what's that? People being unkind? Lying? Stealing? Oh dear! Sounds like a standard 'turn-and-repent'- Wait, he's done this enough so he can have abbreviations for stuff?"

Author: Well he was a pretty famous prophet, even before the whole big fish thing... Just say the line.

"Sounds like a standard 'turn-and-repent' to me. Alright, name the town... I'll be on my way first thing in the morning! Where is it? Jericho? Damascus?" Bit of a pause, as he continues to consult the voice in his head. "What? Ninevah?" Confused, Pie opens his eyes. "I'm not aware of any Ninevahs in Israel..." He pauses again, and his eyes widen. "Oh... you mean **that** Ninevah?" We zoom in on the little drawing of Ninevah on Pie's map.

_That Ninevah wasn't in Israel at all! It was the capital of Assyria and it was the biggest, meanest city around! _

The little drawing gets bigger and bigger and we see the life-size city. It looks somewhat like a fish.

_Now, the people of Ninevah were particularly mean to Pietro's people- the Israelites. They lied! They stole! But worst of all, they slapped people with fishes!_

An Israelite hops into Ninevah, carrying a load of fish. He is approached by a Ninevite pea (Julien) who is pretending to be blind. While the Israelite tries to help him, the other pea (Jean-Luc) sneaks up behind him and steals his fish. He then slaps the poor Israelite with it, knocking him out.

"Finally, something in character!" Jean-Luc cries. He then slaps Julien with his fish. "Ditto."

Julien slaps him with a fish he pulls out of his pocket. "Yes, I'm enjoyin' dis. Y' have a problem wit' dat?"

Jean-Luc pulls out a bigger fish and slaps him with it, knocking him over and out. He grins. "Oh, dis is wort' not gettin' paid."

"We're not getting paid?!" the Israelite shouts, springing up.

Author: You're supposed to be knocked out!

The Israelite slams down his figurative fists and storms off, swearing.

Author: THIS IS A CHRISTIAN MOVIE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SWEAR!!! Prat.

_Can I continue with my narrative now?_

Author: -clears throat nervously- Yes, yes, do go on.

_Thank you. They even slapped each other with fishes! They didn't know the difference between right and wrong. The Ninevites were so mean in fact, that most Israelites, including Pietro, wished God would just wipe Nineveh off the face of the Earth! _

Author: In Pa Grape speech, that would be 'oith!'

A big stormcloud goes over the entire city and zaps it, leaving only one squeaky pea- Belladonna.

Author: I don't know if she was in Evo or not, I just wanted to fry her! Storm, if you please?

"My pleasure!" Storm cackles madly. She zaps Belladonna!Pea who disappears in a flash of fire.

Author: I wish I could do that.

_Needless to say, Pietro was shocked that God would want him to deliver a message to his enemies._

The scene goes back to Pie!PJs.

"You- you don't want me to go there..." Pietro says, confused. "You don't know what Nineveh is like! Perhaps you've never been there... Well, of course you haven't! A god like you would never go to a place like Nineveh! For that matter, neither would a prophet like me!" He laughs nervously and then starts singing.

"**No, it cannot be**

**Your messages are meant for me**

**And my brothers-"**

"Wait, I don't have any brothers! All I've got is Wanda!"

Author: Would you like me to tell her you said that? And what I said about the last song still applies. It's in my HEAD, KRAZ-DANG IT!!!

"All right, all right..."

**"We are your chosen people**

**And Nineveh- well, they're not!**

**There must be some mistake, a big misunderstanding**

**It's really hard to take- how could you be so demanding?**

**For years I've been your messenger from Moresheth to Gath-"**

"WTF? Where are these towns, anyway?!"

Author: In Israel, you neener-head!

"You're really starting to regret the 'no-swearing' rule, aren't you," Storm comments.

Author: -exasperated- Jeez, howdja guess?

"Can I finish this ridiculous song now?"

Ororo and Author: Yes.

"Thank you."

**"But Nineveh should get no chance to turn- they've earned your wrath!**

**No, it cannot be**

**Your messages are meant for me and my brothers**

**We are your chosen people- and Nineveh... well, they're not!" **

Pietro goes into all-out rant mode. "We're the good guys, they're the bad guys! Please, don't send me there with a message of your mercy! ...If God is merciful, then why do I have a grape for a father and a pyschopath for a sister?"

Author: You don't even exist. Stan Lee is your god, and he's a sadistic little _batard._

"Doesn't that count as swearing?"

Author: It was in French, and anyway, all bets are off when it comes to Stan Lee. Just finish the song so I can go on with my life.

Everyone else on the set: What life?

Author: I hate you all so much right now.

"**Damascus or Jerusalem- I'll be there in a minute!**

**Any town in Israel, just ask me! I'll be in it!**

**Shiloh, Gilgal, Jericho, just say the word!**

**But Nineveh- That is just absurd!**

**Joppa-"**

"Wait, aren't we already in Joppa?"

Author: It's just the song lyrics. Please, I'm begging you, finish the song.

"**Joppa, Aphek, Jezreel, they're all just fine!**

**But Nineveh...**

**-sigh- Oh Nineveh...**

**No! Nineveh is where I draw the line!"**

Pie rips off the part of the map with Nineveh on it and throws it out the window.

He climbs into bed and hugs his teddy-squash. "Where's Mr. Snuggles?!"

"Who's Mr. Snuggles?" Ororo inquires.

Author: His sock monkey. And that's Mr. Snuggles, veggie-ized.

Pie gives it a doubtful shrug, then decides it's not worth bugging about and finally finishes the song.

"**No, it cannot be...**

**Your messages are meant for me..."**

The wind blows out the oil lamp, leaving the tent completely dark.

Author: Now, ordinarily, I'd leave it on that melancholy note. But just to accent the utter insanity of this chapter...

"AAH! I'M SCARED OF THE DARK!!!...Why do I have the same phobia as Wolverine?"

Author: Too late! Chappy's over!

(And so it is. Do review.)


	4. Meeting Khalil er Todd, and Fun with Che...

(An: Fun fun. And I too love the image of Jean-Luc slapping Julien.)

Our scene goes back to that weird little resteraunt. More people- er, veggies have gathered to hear the story, including Amara. Everyone's entranced.

"Yep, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to Pietro's enemies," Magneto says, shaking his... head? "How can I shake my head? I'm all head!"

Author: Note the question mark.

Now Logan comes back, completely oblivous to the story. "The tow truck's on its way. Ya know Jamie, I love your dad- Wait, Hank is Jamie's... dad?!"

"WHAT?!" Jamie yells.

Author: Well, technically, he's just Dad Asparagus in the series.

"Ok, that's kind of creepy," Jamie says.

"Yes, yes it is," Logan agrees, looking twitchy.

Author: Please, just finish the line.

"Right, right, whatever," Logan mutters. "Right. I love your dad and all, but that's the last time I pick him for a copilot." Logan notices the Pirates staring at him. "Uh... what's goin' on?"

Pyro slurps his drink, and Magneto nudges him. "Shuddup. Ahem. We're tellin' a little story. You should listen too."

Logan looks around, then nods and smiles feebly.

"As I was saying, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to the Ninevites."

"Wait, dey wanna offer my sister-in-law?" Remy asks, confused.

Author: There's no capital, you idiot!

"Yes, but you put so many of my relations in various cameos I just thought-"

Author: Do us all a favor and don't think, ok?

Remy humphs but shuts up.

"What's 'mercy'?" Amara asks.

"It's what this whole story is about!" Pyro cries.

"I thought it was about compassion," Jamie counters. "Remember, the menu?"

Pyro looks a tad embarrassed. "Uh, yeah. There's that, too."

"Better check your menu again," Magneto advises. "We got TWO specials today, and they go hand in hand."

Jamie picks up his menu, seeing Mercy... Market Price fade in right beneath compassion.

"Compassion is when you want to help someone who needs help," Remy adds. "Mercy is when you give someone a second chance, even if they don't deserve it! This story is about both of them. Ok, _Dieu,_ this is so not m' style."

Author: I'd slap you if I could reach you. How many times must I remind you, CHRISTIAN movie?!

Magneto looks impatient... well, sort of. "Can I go on now?"

Author: Nobody's stopping ya.

"That's right, my cucumber friend- he's not my friend! He works for me!"

There is a loud bang of thunder.

Author: Where were you?

"I went out for milkshakes," Storm explains. "Can you blame me?"

Author: Not if you've got one for me.

"Ahem," Magneto says. "Ya can't have mercy without compassion... but mercy is even MORE important. Pietro was afraid God was gonna give Nineveh a second chance- that he was gonna help help them even though they didn't deserve it!"

"So what did he do?" Amara asks.

The scene changes again, back to Pietro's tent.

_Well, never before had Pietro gotten a message from God that he didn't want to deliver! He didn't know what to do!_

Pietro backs out of the tent, humming the theme to "Mission Impossible" under his breath.

A cheerful Tabitha greets him. "Good morning Pietro! What's the word? ...Why am I here?"

Author: A better question is "Why does everyone ask that?"

Pie panics. "What? Nothing! There is no word!"

Tabby seems surprised. "No word, not even from the biggest mouth in town?"

"...Aren't you going to contradict that?" Pie asks. "You do everything that veers the slightest bit from the script."

Author: Why? It's a perfectly true statement.

"Why did you pick him as your protagonist when you hate him?" Storm asks.

Author: I'm questioning that casting direction myself.

"No! Nothing at all! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very busy!" Pietro cries and hops off.

He gets greeted by another person, Alex this time, opening his shop. "Good morning Pietro! What's the word?"

"Stop it!" Pietro cries, full out freak-out-mode now. "There is no word! Nothing!!! I've got to get out of here!"

Pietro starts to run... well, really, he's more hopping than running. "Oh, I miss my powers!" Pie cries, and sniffles.

Author: -rolls eyes- Spare me.

"There is no word! I have no new messages! And above all, I am NOT... going... to... NINEVEH!!!" Pietro is so distracted and panicky that he runs straight into a giant map of the Middle East, posted next to a booth advertising cruise tickets. The merchant is Lucas. He sells tickets. There are several ships in the port behind him, one of them the Pirates'.

"Sorry sir! I can't sell ya a ticket to Nineveh!"

"What?" Pietro asks, confused. "Who are you?"

"The name's Lucas. I sell cruise tickets! ...waitaminute... where am I?"

Author: Here I thought you were going to be a good little squash and not say a word.

Lucas blinks and then decides to finish his bit part before trying to take over the world, or whatever it is he does. "There's nothing like a cruise on the Great Sea to clean the sand outta yer wicket, aye? Ok, this is really stereotypical. Why am I here?"

Author: I accidentally made my OC so much like you that I feel obligated to give all three parts of you parts.

"All right, whatever," Lucas says with a shrug. "But ya can't sail ta Nineveh! It's landlocked? See?!" He smacks the star that represents Nineveh with his pointer-stick. "Ya can't go by sea, ya gotta go by land!"

"But I don't want to go to-"

Mrs. Sefton walks by. "Oh, hello, Mr. Maximoff! What's the word?"

"Ah! He's goin' ta Nineveh!" Lucas cries.

"Oh, really?"

"I am NOT going to Nineveh!" Pietro shouts. "Why on Earth would I want to go to Nineveh?! In fact, I'm going in the OPPOSITE direction! What's the farthest thing in the world from Nineveh?" He inspects the map.

"Well, if you have a few days, you could sail down to Egypt," Lucas suggests. "It's lovely this time of year..."

Pietro ignores him, interested in the map. "There! I want to go there!" He points to the farthest star, a little city called Tarshish.

"Wha-? Tarshish? Why, that would take weeks! It's on the other end of the world!" Lucas cries, abashed.

"Perfect!" Pietro shouts. "How much?"

"Even if you had the money, no one around here has the time to sail all the way to Tarshish," Lucas replies. He then notices the Pirates, doing nothing, as usual. "Then again..." Pie notices them too.

Now we go to the Pirate ship. All three of them are lined up, making excuses as to why they definitely can't go to Tarshish.

"We couldn't possibly," Magneto says, shaking his head. "We're very busy with... cargo... and stuff..."

"You know, pirates and pillage and plunder and... uh, that really takes it out of you," Pyro points out.

"...And Alf is on in a half-hour, so I don't think we should... uh..." Remy adds.

"...and besides that, we don't really sail," Magneto admits. After a minute, "...at all. So, the answer is no."

Pietro waits a minute, his eyebrow raised beneath his monocle. "Money is no object."

For a second, nobody moves. "Next stop, Tarshish! I'll hoist the mainsail! ...What's a mainsail?"

Author: How would I know?

"I'll pop the popcorn!" Remy cries.

"I'll get the moist towelettes," Pyro says. 'Where did we put them? Hey, Remy, have you seen the towelettes?"

"I got it! I got it!"

"No, those are baby wipes. They'll dry your skin out."

The Pirates scurry around, obsessing about the possibility of cheese curls. Pie smiles for a second, then realizes he is officially running away from God. "How can I run away from God if he is supposedly omnipresent?"

Author: Ooh, big word. Did you strain something?

Pietro glares.

Author: It's a figure of speech.

"Whatever."

Magneto, knowing nothing about sailing, is not very good at it, and knocks into several smaller boats as he tries to get them out of the harbor. "Sorry! My fault!"

_Even though we'd never sailed before, we took to it like a fish to water! ...that is a blatant lie._

We see Remy in the crow's nest, spyglass to his eye. He scans the sea, and then spots something. "Thar she blows! ...'Thar'?"

Author: Moby Dick, you see?

"Actually-"

"You don't need to say anything, are we quite clear?" Storm says in the background.

We see Pyro, on the deck. "Where?"

Remy looks down on the deck. "Right there! Next to the grill!"

Pyro grabs it. "Got it!" He takes it to the ping-pong table. Magneto's standing on one side, looking excited. Pie stands, inspecting his paddle disinterestedly. "6-0!" Magneto yells.

Magneto serves, but Pietro makes no move to hit it. He's depressed apparently. "7-0! That's a skunk! I win!"

Pietro clearly doesn't care, but Pyro and Remy cheer.

"Whaddaya say Pietro? 2 outta 3?"

"Ahh, no, I'm done," Pietro says, walking off.

"Arrgh!" Magneto cries. "When we get to Tarshish, Ho-ho's on me!"

Remy and John cheer. "He winny at the ping-pong! We get the ho-ho and the ding-dong! Ding-dong!"

Pietro ignores them and goes down below deck.

_Once we finally got out to sea, Pietro went below deck to rest a bit._

Pietro looks around the ship's hold, depressed. On the ground are several bags of Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls. "Oh, what have I done, what have I done?" Pie laments.

He grabs a bag of Cheese Curls to use as a pillow. He slumps down on a bunk with it behind his head. From the bag, suddenly, "You are powerful and attractive," says a man's voice in a monotone.

Pie sits up. "Xavier? That you? Who's there? ...I really am hearing voices in my head, aren't I?"

"You do not run from your problems, but confront them face-to-face," the man continues.

Author: A guilt trip from a bag of Cheetos. Who'da thunk?

Pietro ignores me and jumps up. "Eep! The bag, it speaks!" He throws the bag against the wall, where it swings on the lights and falls atop a barrel, where the face on the bag smirks at Pie.

"Ow!" comes another voice from the bag. "What did you do that for?"

Pietro cautiously approaches the bag. "...Mr. Twisty? Who's there? Show yourself!"

The grinning figure on the bag bulges outward, and Todd, a cattipillar, comes riding out on a wave of cheese curls. "Hello!"

"...What are you?"

Todd inspects himself. "I think I'm a cattipillar yo... waitaminute... I'm Toad... I EAT cattipillars... yo."

Author: I just thought the mental image was funny, k?

"Whatever yo," Todd says.

Author: Please, just say your line. This is giving me a migraine.

"Who, me? Oh, my name is Todd. I am a cattipillar. Well, that's only half true. My mother was a cattipillar, my father was a worm, yo. But I'm ok with that now."

"Mortimer?" Pietro asks, utterly perplexed.

"Todd. You've got to get your gut into it!" He tries to kick a cheese curl off his foot and falls over. After managing to get it off, he stands up, dusting himself off. "I'll bet you're wondering why I am here."

"Aahhh, you... tidy up around the ship," Pietro suggests, not all that interested.

"Oh, no. I do not work on the ship. I am a small business operator! I sell Persian rugs door to door! See?" He pulls out a little cart that has tiny rugs hanging off it.

"Oh, lovely. A-"

"By the way," Todd interrupts, "do you know where this ship is going?"

"Yes, Tarshish," Pie says, and it's clear he just wants Todd to shut up. "Like always."

"Tarshish! What a trip, yo!" Todd yells, eyes widening. "You know, that may be just what I need! The Persian rug business has not been going very well around here... yo..." Todd brightens. "But I still have a positive mental attitude... because of my motivational tapes!" He puts his headphones on. "Hey, if we have this kinda technology, why are we on a boat, yo?"

Author: It's called a Sight Gag or a Plot Device- something completely out of synch with the rest of the stuff just to get a laugh. I use them a lot, so I should know.

"Too much information, yo."

He hits play on the tape. "You are a skilled metalworker."

"I am a skilled metalworker," Todd intones with a big grin, and then shrugs. "I did not know that!"

Pietro blinks. Todd turns off the tape and removes the headphones. "I'm a little scared now..."

"So are we all," Storm agrees from offscreen.

"Yes... well, that's lovely, Mortimer, but if you don't mind, I think I'll get some rest," Peitro says, lying down.

Todd stares at Pietro's profile. "He's got a monocle, yo! Why don't I get a monocle? ...and he's an asparagus!" Todd falls over into the curls of cheese, laughing hysterically.

Author: And you just figured that out... -blinks-

"Pietro?!" Todd cries, hopping around in cattipilary delight. "This will make great blackmail yo!"

Pietro blinks. "Huh what who?"

Author: That's overdoing it a bit there.

"You're in an unusually good mood," Storm comments.

Author: Yes well I've got Mountain Dew and Gobstoppers so that means sugar high... I'm too perky to be mad at anyone.

"You scare me, yo," Todd says, edging back towards the bag.

Author: You shut up.

"You're Pietro!"

"You know me?" Pietro asks, sitting up. "Of course he does- we live in the same house!"

"Of course I do!" Todd echoes. "You are the most famous prophet in the whole world!"

Pietro is half-flattered, half-disgusted, and trying to hide a smile. "Well, I don't know if I'd say-"

Todd ignores him. He pulls a rug off the rack with Pie's profile on it. "I sell your licensed merchandise! Look! I have the Pietro rugs... the Pietro plush toy..." He pulls out a mini plush Pietro. "With sound chip!" He whacks it, and it cires "A message from the Lord- smack- A message from the Lord!"

"Well... I'm..." says Pietro, clearly uncomfortable now. "..flattered."

"You are HUGE! Literally, yo! You are a CELEBRITY!"

"Well... I..."

"From town to town, delivering God's- wait, this is a GOD movie, yo?"

Author: I believe that was in the contract.

Todd mutters something under his breath, but goes on. "Delivering God's messages! What a life! You are a big shot!"

"Oh, no... it's really..."

Todd begins to hop around in utter excitement. "The man God can count on to deliver his messages!"

Pietro winces. "Yes... well..."

"You and God are like peas in a pod! Hey, that rhymed, yo! Like two humps on a camel- you always sway the same way!" Pietro is wilting... um, considering he's a vegetable, perhaps that's not the best metaphor... "Oh, that's a good one! You know, humor runs very deep in my family! My uncle was a big star back at a comedy club in Nineveh... the Taj Ma-Haha... standing room only!" Then he sobers. "I got drunk, yo?"

Author: No... but Remy did. -thumbs at the crazed Cajun-

From offscreen, there is evil laughter. No one but Storm and the Author notice.

"I'm scared now..."

Author: Ditto.

"Can I please say my line and accept my minimum wage?" Todd asks, tapping one of his many feet.

Author: Sorry, this is a no-wage job.

"...I hate my life. Then he was hit with a fish," Todd continues. "I'm telling you, those people don't know right from wrong. ...Wait, and Pietro does?"

"Looks like someone's still sore about the whole betraying thing," Storm comments.

"Oh, Nineveh," Pietro says sadly.

"Hmm? You are sad now- HE'S NOT MY FRIEND, YO!!!"

Author: Please, for the love of all things sacred, say the line, so I can concentrate on detaining Remy!

There is more evil laughter that no one onscreen appears to hear, and then a crack of thunder and a very loud scream.

Author: -winces- Well, that's not the way I would've done it, but it DID shut him up... now please, continue. -waves hands in a hurry up gesture-

"Something about Nineveh makes you feel sad inside?" Todd goes on, utterly oblivious to the chaos offscreen.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Pietro mutters, lying back down. "I just need some rest..."

"Oh, you do not have to tell me," Todd agrees.

Pietro rolls over. "Good."

"Because I already know."

Pietro jerks up. "You do?"

"Oh, yes," Todd says, nodding fervently. "There is a woman in Nineveh, is there not? A beautiful young asparagus! She is waiting there for you, no?"

"...Um, no."

Author: This is the best line EVAR. If I get to use this in a fic my life will be complete.

"You don't ask for much, do you?" Storm asks, rolling her eyes.

Author: Nope. Now say the line.

"You were promised to be married- but your job is now in the way. The woman's father is the head of an international ring of camel thieves!" Todd seems to be enjoying this. "This very day you set sail for Tarshish to deliver a message that will break the back of the camel thieves but in the process will break the heart of the woman you love!" Todd gasps melodramatically.

Pietro stares, dumbstruck. "...That was the scariest thing I ever heard.

Author: Actually, you know, it sounds a lot like Remy's past... maybe I can use that... Storm, take over!

"Will do, boss-lady," Storm says, and salutes. I think she got into Remy's alcohol... oh dear.

"Insight runs very deep in my family. Do not worry, the first one is free."

"...Please, Mortimer, I just need to get some rest."

"What is up with the Mortimer thing, yo?!"

"According to the author, it was your name in the comics, and she couldn't think of any other way to have Pie mispronounce it.." Storm explains. "It's weird, I know."

"Ok... Anyway, right. It's Todd. But you can call me Mortimer- NO HE CAN'T! ...if you want to. When we get to Tarshish, you can deliver the message, and I'll sell the plush toys! We can be a team!"

Pie stares at the wall and groans.

Todd, undaunted, holds up the plush toy. "A message..." It squeaks, and then breaks it down. Todd frowns for a second, then smacks it again. "From the Lord!"

"Ugh..." Pie mutters.

"Well, sweet dreams traveling buddy!" Todd cries. "We can make our plans to save those camels tomorrow!"

Depressed, Pie closes his eyes. Todd turns his tape back on, and before he falls asleep, we hear "You are a go-getter."

(That was insane. And long. Man. Review, I beg.)


	5. Jonah's Dream, or Remy's Card Game!

(An: I'm so bored that I'm updating. Go figure.)

Our scene changes to a white limbo. Pietro is hopping around, looking lost. He hops up to Lucas' travel booth, which has apparently appeared out of nowhere. "Hey! I thought my cameo in this was over!"

Author: -shrugs- It's not, but after this it should be.

"Yes- which way is Tarshish?" Pietro asks.

Lucas unfocuses his eyes and talks in a monotone. "Right this way... ya can't miss it!"

"Thank you!" Pietro says and hops off. Pietro seems relieved to be heading off. "One hop closer to the end of this movie!"

Suddenly, what is supposedly God's voice interrupts. It sounds suspiciously like Magneto. "Pietro..."

Pietro looks around, startled. "What? Who is it?"

"Pietro... where are you going?"

"Oh, it's you Lord!" Pietro cries, sounding nervous. "Um- I'm going to... I'm going..."

"Pietro!"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you!" Pietro begins to hop faster. "Can I use my super-speed now?"

"You don't even have legs!" Storm yells. "How the heck are you supposed to do that?"

"Oh, good point," Pietro agrees.

"Pietro!"

Pietro hops even faster. By veggie standards it's a run. By Pie's, it's not even a fast trot. "I can't hear you! Lalalalalala!"

"Pietro!"

Suddenly he feels... soggy? Pie looks down and sees he's running in water. "I... can't... hear.. you!"

"Pietro!" Now it's definitely Magneto shouting.

The scene switches back to Pietro's bunk. The ship's hold is flooding and splashing Pie's face. "Pietro! Pietro! Pietro!" Magneto yells.

"No! I-I can't hear you!" Pietro yells, still asleep.

"Come on, wake up! We got trouble!" Magneto shouts.

Pie finally wakes up, and sees that the reason it's so wet is because the ship is being rocked by an immense storm. "What? What's happening?!"

"We're in a storm!" Magneto cries. "Like I've never seen before! If we don't do something quick, we're gonna sink!"

Todd floats by on a barrel. "We seem to have sprung a leak traveling buddy!"

Magneto gets mad. 'Huh? Hey! What're you doing here?" Todd grins nervously. "Didn't I tell ya to get off my ship, ya lousy bug eater?"

Author: He IS a bug, you retard. That would make him a cannibal!

Todd gives a small nod. "Well, yes... but you see, my new friend and I are going to Tarshish to break the back of the camel thieves!!!"

Magneto glances at Pietro, who gives him an "it's a long story" look.

"Crime fighting runs very deep in my family," Todd continues.

"Why, if it wasn't for this storm I'd make ya walk the plank!" Magneto snaps, then turns to Pie. "And you! How can you sleep at a time like this?"

"Very easily," Pie replies.

"That's not the li-ine," Storm calls in the background. She seems to be a bit testier than usual thanks to her hangover.

"What's going on?" Pie amends quickly.

"I'll tell ya what's going on! We're all gonna be fish food if I don't get some help!"

"Well- what can we do?" Pietro asks.

"Get up and pray to your god! Maybe he'll have mercy and spare our lives! Oy!" Magneto blinks. "You picked me for that one line, didn't you."

Author: Well, it was really the fact that I wanted Remy and John for Larry and Lunt, but yeah, that was a major factor.

"I hate you." Magneto turns to go up top. "Somebody up there must be really upset with somebody down here!"

Pietro looks nervous as does Todd. Magneto seems to realize something. "Wait a minute, that's it! All right you two, follow me!" He hops up top.

On the deck, Remy and John are playing go fish with fish cards. John has a lot, but Remy only has one and has a lot of matches set out in front of him. "Is dis why y' picked Remy for dis role?"

Author: It was mainly the ducky line, but yes, major factor again.

The ship is rocking back and forth and the two are sliding back and forth, but they don't really seem to care.

"You got an electric eel?" John asks.

"Nope," Remy replies. "Go fish. One more card!"

"You are one cheatin' buccaneer," John accuses.

"How'm I supposed to cheat at Go Fish?"

"You could be blowing up your cards!"

Remy sticks his tongue out at John. "Y' have no faith in me."

"All right ya lazy's!" Magneto yells. He, Pietro, and Todd approach. "Game over! Shuffle 'em up and deal us in!"

"But-" says Remy, looking at his remaining card.

"Hee hee hee!" John shouts, throwing his cards in the air.

Remy shuffles the deck and begins to deal as Magneto speaks. "Ok! Here's the deal. The way I see it, there's a reason for this storm. Somebody up there's really mad with somebody down here. And it's not gonna let up until we know who that somebody is. It could be any one of us..." He glares at Todd... well sort of, since you can't see his eyes. "...I have my suspicions... But we won't know until we figure it out scientifically! All right men, Go Fish! Loser takes a swim!"

(And I'm going to leave it there because it's a cliffhanger... sort of. I just don't feel very jokey right now. Next chappy'll be better, since it has a song!)


	6. God of second chances, and Fun in a Whal...

(An: The ducky line is when... well, you'll see in this chappy anyway. Never mind.)

The game of Go Fish is short but furious as everyone calls out names of various fish. Eventually it's down to just Todd and Pietro. "I am most desperate for a halibut!"

Pietro frowns, then throws him the card. We see Todd's cards, and one of them is upside down. "Hmm? What a goose- I'm a Toad, yo!"

Author: -taps foot-

"Eh heh heh... What a goose I am! It's a match! I had it all along!" He puts down two trout and two whales.

Magneto looks abashed. "Huh? But I thought for sure..."

Pietro stands up. "All right! I admit it! It's my fault! All my fault! I'm the one to blame!"

Everyone stares at him.

"But... I... the worm..." Magneto stammers.

"I'm a cattipillar, yo!"

Pietro waits a second, then, "I am a Hewbrew- wait, I thought I was Polish... now I'm confused."

Author: Please, just say the stupid line!

"All right, all right," Pietro mutters. He pulls a script out of his pocket, thumbs through it, and clears his throat. He goes on in a monotone. "I am a Hebrew, and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land. And I'm running away from him. He told me to go to Nineveh, but I didn't listen. You know, I don't like those people..."

John winces. "Ooh. Fish slappers."

"Yes, so I ran. I ran and I ended up here and now everyone's in terrible danger all because of me! I'm afraid the only thing left is to be thrown into the sea!" Pietro wails.

Author: Don't you just love karma?

"Waitaminute... I can't go near the sea! It messes with my complexion!"

Author: ...and your point would be...?

"Aww," Remy says. "You don't have to do that. We gotta plank! You can just walk off!"

Pie raises his eyebrows. "...Yes, thank you. You're TOO kind."

Remy grins. "Y' don' know how long I've wanted to push dat guy off somethin'."

Author: I believe the feeling's mutual for all present.

"Well, Pie, ol' buddy," Magneto begins, then, "wait... he's my son!"

Author: In this universe, you're a grape and he's an asparagus. Just please, for the love of all things overly sugared, say the line.

"It was nice knowin' ya. Normally, you'd be entitled to a refund, but under the circumstances- you know, with you dyin' and all..."

Pietro is once again underwhelmed by his father's benevolence. "...No... I don't suppose a refund would do me much good, now would it?"

"Ah thanks! You're a trooper," Magneto cries, then turns to Remy. "Ain't he a trooper?"

Remy just stares. "Can we get t' de killin' now?"

Todd looks up at Pietro. "But... the camels, yo..."

"Oh..." Pie shakes his head, then looks at the sea. "Bye-bye complexion..."

Then Pyro brightens. "Hey! Wait a minute! I just remembered something! Maybe you don't have to walk the plank after all!" He does a happy dance. "Now if only I had me lighter, my life would be complete!"

Everyone is shocked, be it by the happy dance, or the statement... we don't really know.

"Who's 'we'?" Pietro asks.

Author: That would be me and the director. -thumbs at Storm- Well, ok, right now she's passed out, but it's close enough.

Everyone gathers around a big tarp at the back of the shop. "Every winter, my cousin from Moose Lake asks me to take care of this!"

Author: What is it with all the WI references?!

Pyro ignores the author and pulls off the tarp, revealing a large gas powered outoard dual propeller boat motor.

Everyone "oooh"s.

"Cool!" Remy says.

"What is it?" Magneto asks.

"This, me mates," Pyro says, with the pride in mechanics that only guys can do, "is a Jupiter 1600 horsepower, high-octane, dual propeller, pull ignition, outboard motor... with the optional chrome trim package."

"Oooh..." everyone says again, just the same.

"Cool!" Remy says.

"...What is it?" Magneto asks again.

Pyro rolls his eyes... um, well, sort of. It's in his tone. "It gets ups back to Joppa."

"Ah," Magneto says.

"Well... how does it work?" Pie asks, cocking his head.

"...That, I don't know," Pyro replies, with a shrugging gesture.

Everyone stands there and stares at it, then Todd pipes up. "Perhaps I could help!" He turns to Pie. "You know, technical competency runs-"

Pietro rolls his eyes and interrupts him. "I know, very deep in your family."

"Oh! Our reputation precedes us, yo! Well then..." He walks over to the motor and hops up near the rip cord. "It appears that one should pull the cord and then perhaps push this black bubbly thingy..." He pulls the rip cord a few times and the engine turns over but doesn't start. He then bounces up and down on top of the fuel line bubble.

Author: Here I would like to state that I have no idea what this stuff is- I've just seen the movie a lot and that's what the script calls it.

Nothing happens. Everyone stares at Todd, who looks nervous since it didn't work. "Oh... no.. yo... perhaps it's the other way around. Perhaps if one first pushes the black bubbly thingy and THEN pulls the cord... yo."

Everyone nods, and you can tell they have no idea what he's talking about. He does so and the engine starts up. "Ahh!" everyone choruses.

"See?"

The adoring "Ahhh"-ing turns to screaming as the propellers catch the deck. It goes flying across the ship, ripping up planks until it slams through the guard rail and drops into the sea.

Pyro blinks. "Yep, that's how it works."

Everyone turns to glare at Todd, who is standing there dumbfounded. He squeaks. "It has been delightful, yo, but I really havta go!" He runs away and dives into a bowling ball bag.

Everyones stares at that for a second, then turns to Pietro, who looks resigned.

We switch to Pietro, on the plank, above a raging, dark sea. "I'm scared now." He's wearing a swim cap and a little ducky swim ring. The Pirates are standing behind him with their eyes closed and heads bowed.

"Oh Lord," Magneto is saying, "don't let us die for this man's sin. And don't hold us responsible for his death, because it isn't our fault. O Lord, you have sent this storm upon him for your own good reasons."

Author: Psychobunny, this is the infamous ducky line. Take it away Remy.

"And keep m' ducky safe."

All the Pirates chorus "Amen."

The Pirates look up to Pie. He looks back, gulps, and then turns toward the sea. Todd pokes his head out of the bowling bag. He seems DEPRESSED!

"I'm havin' a party yo! Shrimp puffs on me!"

DEPRESSED, you idiot.

Pietro ignores him, bounces a few times on the plank, and then jumps into the sea. Immediately the storm stops. Pietro bobs up and down in his ring and looks around. The Pirates looks surprised that it worked. "That was easy."

"Well..." says Pyro. "Should we pull him back in?"

"I don't see why not," Magneto replies.

Pyro pulls out a lifesaver ring and throws it out to Pietro. He misses by a mile.

Pietro looks nervous. He opens his mouth to speak, then quickly shuts it as something brushes against him. Pie panics. "Something touched me! There's something in the water!"

Magneto and Pyro argue as Pyro pulls back in the ring. "Hurry up! Hurry!"

"I'm hurryin'!" Pyro snaps.

"Hang on Pietro," Magneto calls. "Aim this time!"

"I was aiming!"

"I can never tell where you're lookin'..."

"You should talk!"

Pyro throws and misses again. "Fellows, please!" Pietro yells.

"Pull it back in, hurry!" Magneto says.

"Ok, ok, I got it!"

"Let me do that!"

"No, no! I'll throw it!"

"Fellows... please!"

"Common, give it here!"

"I said I got it!"

Remy interrupts. "Excuse me, mes amis! Perhaps I can be of some assistance!"

Remy grabs the ring, and throws it. This time it heads straight for Pietro. It land perfectly around him. Remy smirks and starts to pull Pietro in. "Why am I doin' dis again?"

"It's in the script," the other Pirates chorus.

Just as Pietro gets closer to the boat, a giant whale comes out of nowhere and swallows him whole. Everyone looks shocked. "Oops."

The Pirates happen to notice that the whale is rapidly pulling out their life preserver and with it, their boat.

"Uh-oh..."

The rope reaches its full length, pulls taut, and then the thingy holding it to the mast breaks loose. They are no longer attatched to the whale! The Pirates look relieved. But then, the metal thingy wedges into the guard rail and the Pirates realize that, yep, they're back to being attached to the whale.

Before they can react, the boat jerks and starts moving really fast, sending the Pirates sailing across the deck. "AAAH!!!"

Magneto stands up, looking for a solution. "Man the cannon! ...does she mean the comics?"

Author: That was with TWO n's, you idiot.

"Aye aye cap'n!" Pyro cries. "This is fun!"

Remy and Magneto run up to the cannon. "We don't got no ammo mates!" Pyro yells.

Remy looks around and spots the piles of stuff. "Oh yes we do!"

"Fire one!" Magneto cries. Pyro pulls a string on the cannon and a tennis racket comes flying out. It spins wildly out of control and lands in the sea... nowhere near the whale. Remy stuffs in two croquet mallets. "Fire two!" The mallets fly out, ect. Remy then grabs the ammo jackpot- the bowling ball!

Just before it falls into the cannon, Todd sticks his head out of the thumb-hole. "Hello?" he asks, as he sips tea.

"Fire three!" Magneto yells. Pyro pulls the string and the bowling ball goes soaring. Todd pokes his head out again.

"AAAAIIIIIII'm coming traveling buddy!" By the time the bowling ball gets close to the sea the whale is nowhere in sight. Todd looks confused.

Author: Read: normal expression.

"Hey, yo!" Todd yells, outraged. "Traveling buddy?" He whistles, as if calling for a dong. "Where are you?"

The whale leaps out of the water, and like a really big dog, catches the bowling ball in its mouth and swallows it. It goes back, releasing the life preserver.

The Pirates blink in relief. Magneto and Pyro remove their hats in respect. "Now that boy really knows how to go fish."

The rubber ducky swim ring pops out of the water. Remy lights up. He turns to the others, who don't really seem to care. He tries to match their somber looks.

We switch to the inside of the whale, where Pietro is sitting on a ship that the whale can't digest. After a second, the bowling ball rolls up to him. "Oh, look... a bowling ball. If only I could find some pins... why does ancient Israel have bowling?"

Author: -shrugs- Once again, sight gag.

Todd pops out of the bowling ball. "You found better then that, traveling buddy! It's me, yo!"

Pietro rolls his eyes. "Oh my..."

"So forget about Tarshish," Todd says, spirits undampened by Pietro's less than warm welcome, "all we need to do is get this whale to swim to Nineveh! You give the message, I'll sell the plush toys, we'll be right back on track!"

"Mortimer, please don't speak to me," Pietro says. "I'm having a rather bad day." He stands up and walks away from him, depressed and rather annoyed.

"Well you don't need to be so down about it, yo- Mr. Grumpypants! ...I like that nickname! Grumpypants!"

Author: One of the best lines ever... and I give it to the Toad.

Pietro turns back to him, mad now. "Look around you! We're inside a whale! We're going to be DIGESTED! Do you know what that means!?"

"Of course I do," Todd snaps back. "Digestion runs very deep in my family! I'm just trying to have a positive outlook, you know!" He pauses a second. "You know the difference between you and me is that you see the whale as half empty, but I see the whale as half full, yo!"

Pietro blinks. "...I don't know what that means."

"...Neither do I." Todd looks depressed as well now.

Pietro sits down. "Oh, I might as well face it! God gave me a job to do and disobeyed him. I ran the other way! I've done something terrible and now I'm getting what I deserve. I'm going to die here in this whale."

Todd opens his mouth to speak and try to cheer him up... then realizes there's nothing he can do.

"Have you ever seen anything so pathetic?"

"Mmm mmm. This boy need some help!"

Pietro startles. "What? Who's there?!"

"Take it easy, Pietro! We're on your side!" Three singers step out of the shadows, all in glittery costumes. It's Evan and Mr. and Mrs. Daniels. The one speaking was Mr. Daniels. Evan just looks sulky.

"How did you know my name? How did you get in here?"

"Were you in the bowling ball too?" Todd asks.

"Oh, no, that's not how we get around," Evan informs them. "No, we came straight from the big man himself! ...Who, Xavier?"

Author: -glares- I don't like you and you're seriously trying my patience...

"You mean...?" Pietro makes a vague upward gesture.

"Mmm hmm!" Mrs. Daniels agrees. 'And just like you, we deliver his messages!"

"So you're prophets too?" Pietro asks, brightening somewhat.

"Not exactly," Evan says, shaking his head. "You see, we work on a slightly HIGHER level. I still have no idea what I'm talking about."

"You do? Or... you don't?" Pietro looks rather confused now.

They nod. Mr. Daniels leans in. "And Pietro- we've got a message for you!"

Pietro looks around as music starts.

**"You're feelin' pretty blue- you didn't do what God requested," **Evan begins.

"**Yeah, I'd be mopin' too**," Mrs. Daniels agrees, "**if I was gonna be digested**!"

"**This ain't a pretty picture- no, it ain't a pretty sight**," Mr. Daniels continues.

"**You ran from God this morning," **Mrs. Daniels goes on, "and you're..."

Then all of them chorus**, "Whale chow tonight! But hold up! Hang on!"**

**"Not so fast!" **Evan sings.** "Your life ain't over yet... and that's a pity."**

"**We're here to tell you all about**," Mr. Daniels goes on, subtly kicking his son.

**"The forgiveness that..." **Mrs. Daniels sings, trying to ignore Evan and her husband.

**"You can get!" **they all sing.

Lights turn on out of nowhere and show a big choir of gospel-singing vegetable angels.

**"You see, our God's a God of mercy**," Evan starts.

"**Our God's a god of love**," Mrs. Daniels finishes.

Then everyone, **"And right now he's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!"**

The tempo picks up, the band kicks in, and clappin' and swayin' commence!

Author: If you need help picturing it, imagine a bunch of green crosses in shiny outfits. That's the metaphor that comes to my mind, anyway.

**"Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances!**

**You'll be floored how his love your life enhances!**

**You can be restored from your darkest circumstances**

**Our God is the God of second chances!**"

Author: -hums song- Oh man... it's in my head...

**"Ain't it great to know a God who gives a second chance,**" Mr. Daniels sings.

"**Why, that's enough to get a smile from Mr. Grumpypants, yo!"**

"**So if you say you're sorry for all the stuff you do,**" Evan goes on.

"**We know that he'll be ready with a second chance for you!**" Mrs. Daniels completes the verse.

"**Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances**

**You'll be floored how his love your life enhances!**

**You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!**

**Our God is the God of second chances!**

**Our God is a god..."**

The whole group starts dancing and stuff. Pietro's even getting into it.

"You see, that just proves what I've been sayin'," Evan mutters. "White men can't dance."

The gospel veggies ignore him and start on the big finish. **"If you believe**

**God's love is true**

**Then you should know**

**What you should do!"** They repeat this several times, then the chorus.

**"Second chances**

**Second chances!**

**Praise the Lord! He's a God of second chances!**

**You'll be floored when his love your life enhances**

**You can be restored from your darkest circumstances**

**Our God is the God of second chances!"**

We go back up to the surface, where Lucas and Rob are fishing in a small boat. We can faintly hear the music from the whale. They both look puzzled, and Lucas leans over the edge of the boat and stares down into the water.

Author: I love that part.

(And that's that.)


	7. Welcome to Nineveh, and Shortness

(An: Here's where I say something witty and/or odd and respond to a review or two...)

We switch back to the resteraunt. All of the mutants-turned-veggies are there now, entranced.

"So, from inside the whale, Pietro prayed and asked God to forgive him for not obeying," Magneto continues. "He told God that if he got another chance, he WOULD go to Nineveh, even though he didn't like those people very much. Hey, author-person, how can we still be alive in the present time and in ancient Israel?"

Author: -shrugs- It's a Plot Device, I would think.

"So did he get another chance?" Logan asks. He's showing OOC interest.

"Shouldn't you be lookin' out fer your tow truck?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Logan snaps. "That can wait. Did Pietro get another chance?"

"Well, God saw that Pietro needed help," Magneto goes on, "and he wanted to help him!"

"That's compassion!" Jamie chimes in. "I still wanna know what scampi is..."

Author: Well then get used to disappointment. I don't even know. I'm not much for shellfish.

Jamie frowns with a raised eyebrow.

"Ahem," Logan says. "Can we hurry along my miniscule part?"

Author: You're going to pop your little tomato-ey brain, using big words like that.

Logan growls. Then thunder boom in the background and he shuts up. "But did he give him a second chance, even though he didn't deserve it? You know... mercy?"

"After three days, Pietro noticed something strange happening..."

We go back to the sea, where Pietro and Todd, who is clinging to him for dear life, are being... um, "ejected" from the whale. They land on the beach. Both look pretty weird- pale, scraggly, and covered in seaweed.

Author: See, this is why I picked Pietro for the part- he's got the complexion for this section.

Pietro moans and rolls over and looks up. Staring down at him is Xavier, his camel. "Oh! Xavier! Good to see you!"

"The feeling's not mutual," Xavier mutters. "Have you ever tried carrying a bleached asparagus on your back?"

Author: As far as I know, camels don't talk.

"So?"

Author: Storm?

-BOOM!-

"Shutting up."

"Yes... well..." says Pie.

We switch to a big, endless desert. Pietro is riding Xavier, with Todd hiding in his hat. "This is a pretty nice view, yo."

_So God told the whale to burp up Pietro- and Pietro got his second chance! And just like he promised, he headed straight for Nineveh!_

Pietro passes some signs. The first reads "Welcome to Nineveh- Home of the Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!" Then another one, not so friendly, "Visitors Welcome..." Then another sign swings down below it. "To Leave!"

Pietro and Todd look rather nervous. They enter a canyon that leads into Nineveh. "We're bein' boxed in, yo!"

Pietro looks around. "He's right..." Then a noise gets their attention. A crazed guy, Principle Kelly, hops up to him.

"Turn back! Turn back! Turn back!!!" he cries, terrified. "The slapping! The mutants! The vegetables!"

Author: What have I said about ad-libbing?!

He runs right into a canyon wall, bounces off it, and keeps right on going. "Turn back! Turn back!"

"So, basically, whenever an extra gets hurt as their main gag, you pick Kelly for it?" Storm asks.

Author: Yeah, pretty much so.

Pietro and Todd give each other frightened glances, then keep going. They come up to Nineveh, which looks like a giant fish, as I've mentioned, and are promptly stopped by two guards with big pointy sticks. "Get in, give the message, get out," Pietro repeats under his breath.

"Who goes dere?" the first guard snaps. It's once again, Julien and Jean-Luc.

"Ah, yes," Pietro says, clearly nervous. "My name is Pietro... and I'm a prophet... from-"

"Y're not from here, are y'?" Jean-Luc interrupts.

Author: Our boy's brighter than dead fish, ain't he.

"Um, no," Pietro says, "you see, I'm from-"

"That would make y' a STRANGER, wouldn't it?" Julien goes on.

"Well, um, yes, I suppose so, but-"

Jean-Luc interrupts him again. "We don't like strangers."

"No... yes, I've heard that... But you see I have a-"

"So why're y' here?!" Julien asks.

"Well- I have a message."

"A message? For who?"

Pietro blinks. "Um, well, for everyone! For the whole city!"

Jean-Luc and Julien once again forget their animosity in the light of this ludicrous prospect. "You've got a message for de whole city?!" Julien asks.

"De 'ole city!" Jean-Luc agrees.

"Oh, dat's rich!" Both guards start to laugh.

"I'll alert de king!" Jean-Luc cries, delighted with this joke. "Your Honor! A bleached asparagus has a message for us all!"

"Most important!" Julien agrees. They laugh themselves silly.

Todd peeks out of Pietro's hat. "I don't think this is goin' very well, yo."

"Oh, let's just go home!" Pietro declares. "I did what You said, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!" He turns to leave.

"Pietro?!" Magneto calls, offscreen.

Pietro turns back around to see the Pirates standing there. They all have large foam cheese curl hats on their heads.

Author: In the script they make a ref to WI cheeseheads... jerks.

"Why are you so bitter about Wisconsin anyway?" Storm asks.

Author: Think about it. Cheese obsessed, cow-loving, meat-eating, football-sympathizing barbarians. I'm a vegetarian who has a phobia of most cows and can't stand sports. I'm supposed to survive, how?

"Cue rant mode, eh?" Storm asks.

Author: Yep.

"What?" Pietro asks. "No, seriously, what was that all about?"

"It is our friends from the ship!" Todd says cheerfully as Pietro gets off Xavier. "They AIN'T my friends, yo! The cucumber tried to kill me!"

"De fact dat I didn't get t' do it depresses me," Remy mutters.

Pietro blinks. "What on earth...? What are you doing here?"

"What are YOU doing here?" Remy replies.

"Yeah! You were... you were..." Pyro can't quite find the right words.

"Fish food!" Magneto finishes.

They meet off to the side of the gate. Pietro keeps looking up at their curious hats.

"The whale spit us out like so much- what's cous-cous, yo?" Todd asks.

Author: A spicy Asian dish.

"Ah. Yo! And here we are now! Delivering the message to Nineveh!"

"But the wouldn't let us in, so I guess we're going home," Pietro completes the little story.

Pyro grins. "Hey, I bet we could get him in..."

Pietro blinks and Todd grins. "Huh?"

A few minutes later, the Pirates and Pietro line up in front of Julien. They look kind of like they're posing for a family picture- except Pietro doesn't really want to be in the family. Todd grins from atop his shoulder. He's also now wearing Remy's cheese curl hat.

Julien grins as he recognizes them. "Hey, look! It de cheese curl hommes!"

The Pirates grin, rather nervously.

"Can I kill him now?" Remy asks, fidgeting.

Author: Wait 'til the end.

"Fine." Remy pouts but shuts up.

"Comin' back fer a visit, are y'?" Julien asks, seeming not to recognize Remy now that he's a cucumber, and then spots Pietro. "Ahem- dis homme wit' y'?"

"Oh, yeah!" Magneto exclaims. "He's with us!"

"You're wit' dem, eh?" Julien asks Pie.

Pietro attempts a smile. "Yes, indeed! Why, I sailed halfway across the world with these.. fine... gentlemen?"

Julien frowns. "All right, you can come in. Er, enjoy your stay in Nineveh!"

They head through the gate. Pietro glances back, to see Julien making creepy "eye on you" faces. "These people are so paranoid... What was that all about? How did you do that?"

Magneto grins. "Remember that money you gave us? By the way, you aren't gonna want that refund, are ya?"

"Ah..." says Pietro. "Depends. How much did I spend?"

Author: Not the line!

"Sorry."

"Good! Cause we spent it! Every last penny! On cheese curls!"

Pietro stares. "Cheese curls?"

"Yup! 1458 bags of 'Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!'" Magneto cries proudly.

"And you'll never guess what we found in bag 497..." Remy adds.

Pietro blinks.

"The golden ticket!" Magneto whispers reverently. "What is up with the Roald Dahl ripoff?"

Author: -shrugs- I always wondered that too... but it was pretty funny.

Pietro doesn't get it.

"We won the 'Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!'"

"And the prize was...?" He looks at their hats.

"Mmm hmm," Magneto agrees. "But in addition to our enviably fashionable-"

Everyone else besides the Pirates: -chokes back laughter-

"AHEM!"

Author: -trying desperately not to laugh- Go on, go on.

"Our enviably fashionable headgear, we also got a tour of Mister Twisty's factory- right here in Nineveh!"

"But if-" Pietro begins.

Author: Yes, this is ancient Israel, but there's no need to question technology- again- for the sake of a running joke!

The group enters the crowded market place. The Ninevites mill around, and the sound of fish slapping is ever-present in the background.

"Which, despite its unseemly location," Magneto continues, "was a splendid experience!"

"And, believe it or not, in THIS town we are famous!" Pyro adds.

"And not in the bad way," Remy agrees.

"Hey, look!" Pyro says. "Here comes a city official to greet us!"

A Ninevite and several guards walk up to them. They do not look perky.

"Hello!" Magneto says, oblivious to their intentions. "We were in the neighborhood, so we thought we'd-"

The Ninevite, Jason (a.k.a. Mastermind), interrupts him. "These are the men! Arrest them at once!"

The Pirates (and Pietro and Todd) blink. "But..." Magneto says. "You work for me, buddy!"

Author: -rolls eyes-

"Excuse me, what have they done?" Pietro asks. "I think a better question is 'what haven't they done?'"

"Thievery!" Jason cries. "High theft against the Royal City of Nineveh!"

"That's ridiculous!" Pyro cries.

"Oh, is it?!" Jason asks. He grabs Remy, pulls out a knife, and slits open his backpack. Several small bags of cheese curls fall out.

"Eh heh heh..." Remy blinks.

"You klepto!" Pietro yells.

Author: That was the main reason I picked him for this role.

"Non! Wait! I thought dey were free samples!" Remy cries.

"Take them away!" Jason states, clearly pleased with his position of authority. "Damn straight."

A lightning bolt appears out of nowhere and just misses him. "...Eep."

"That was a warning shot," Storm calls from the background.

"You can't do that!" Pietro cries.

Jason turns to him. "I'm sorry... are you with these men?"

Pietro blinks. "Well, um... yes, I suppose."

A city guard (who looks suspiciously like Wanda) comes up. "Hello... what are you doing? Wanda?!"

Wanda slaps him with a fish and Pietro blacks out.

(There. At most there'll be two more chappies to this story.)


	8. The Happy Ending tm and a big musical nu...

(An: This is the last chapter of this insanity. I don't know whether to woot or to cry. This chapter's prolly gonna be as long or longer as the first... so yeah.)

Later, still in the Nineveh market place, we go to Pietro, tied up, with a bag on his head.

Wanda: Can we just leave him there?

Author: Sadly no. He still has a big musical number to do. I'll let you kill him after that.

He's surrounded by Ninevites who are staring at him. "Oh! Wonderful! It must be time for my speech!"

The bag comes off Magneto's head, who's tied up as well. "Hey! I can't move!"

Author: Quite the observant one...

The bag comes off Pyro's head and he tries to pull against the ropes. "Where's moy lighter?!"

Author: Line, please.

"I can't move either! ...I'd be able ta if I had moy lighter!"

Remy's bag is off, too, and he can't move either. "Times like dis I miss m' hands."

Pietro looks around and realizes that he can't move either. He looks over to Magneto. The reason he can't move is because he's tied back to back with Pyro on a large wooden bulls-eye beneath an ominously hanging metal fish. "GASP!"

Magneto blinks. "What? Have I got somethin' on my face?" Then he sees Pietro's situation. "GASP!"

Pyro notices Remy, who is, you guessed it, in the same problem. "GASP!"

Ditto for Remy. "GASP!"

"This doesn't look good..." Pietro murmurs. "We're going to be splatted alive by giant metal fish?"

Author: Yeah. Just wait until you see the test veggie.

All four vegetable-mutants gulp.

Remy looks nervous. "Dieu! ...does Remy really havta say dis?"

Author: Yes he does. By the way, has anyone seen Storm?

"She took all de beer," Remy mutters.

Author: I lose more directors that way. -shrugs- Oh well. Go on.

"Sorry guys! I thought dey were free samples! Dey were right out dere in de open in a big bowl! Very misleadin'!"

"Oh, don't go blamin' yourself," Magneto says. "Scratch that, please do."

Pyro is mad at Magneto. "No, blame HIM!" He gestures at Magneto... somehow, even though he doesn't have arms and is tied up. "'Let's put it all in in cheese curls,' he says. 'No,' I say, 'we need a BALANCED portfolio! A little stock, a little bonds... a little cash or cash equivalents... and THEN maybe some snacks!' But NO! 'Put it all in cheese curls!' he says."

"Turns out he's quite de intellectual when P.O.'ed," Remy comments.

"You shut up!" Pyro snaps, then goes back to Magneto. "Mate, you gotta plan for the future!"

"What? It got us here, didn't it?!" Everyone stares at Magneto like he's a crazy idiot.

"How is that different from the way we stare at him all the time?" Remy asks.

"Not 'here', literally..." Magneto objects. "But... we were SOMEBODY! We were celebrities!"

"We are going to DIE!" Pyro retorts.

He's stopped from going off on an outraged tirade again by Mastermind. "People of Nineveh! These four men..." He glances at Todd, who is tied up with Pietro. "...and that small... whatever-it-is..."

"I'm a cattipillar, yo, and you're a monkey!"

"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"

Todd mumbles the next part to himself. "Well, that is only half true, yo..."

"Have been found guilty of high thievery against the Royal City of Nineveh!" Jason continues, choosing to ignore Todd rather than confuse himself further. The crowd hisses.

"MEOW!"

Author: All right, who let Sabretooth in here?!

Logan: -OS, chuckles-

Jason rolls his eyes and goes on. "For their punishment... The Slap of No Return!"

The crowd blinks, not getting it. The Pirates look up, not sure whether to be frightened or not. "What's so funny?" Remy asks.

"Observe!" Jason cries. He places a pumpkin on a platform that is a mini version of the ones Pietro and the Pirates are tied to.

Author: Put that way, they sound like some crappy rock band.

Jason ignores me and goes about his business. On one side of the pumpkin is a smiley face. Jason hastily turns it around so a terrified face is turned towards the crowd. He picks up a sword, and cuts the rope that is suspending the metal fish. The fish falls, splattering the pumpkin to bits. Some of it hits Pietro's face. After a second, the crowd starts cheering an the Pirates and Pietro start wailing.

Todd, who can't see a thing, pipes up. "What is happening that is making you all cry like little babies?"

Pietro ignores him and tries to yell over the commotion. "Why on earth do you take snack food so SERIOUSLY?!"

Jason looks like he's about to answer, when some trumpet fanfare answers for him. He spins back to the crowd. "People of Nineveh! I give you King Apocalypse!"

Everyone looks up at a little balcony waaay up overhead. From the shadows come King Apocalypse, a big, grumpy gourd. He looks just like all the pitchmen on the Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl bags. "...What am I doing here? Why am I a gourd?"

Author: I like turning you into strange and unusual things.

The Pirates look stunned. "It's 'Mister Twisty!'" Magneto shouts.

"Well, that explains it," Pietro murmurs.

Pyro and Remy squint up at him. "He looks happier on de bag," Remy comments.

Author: This is another really good line.

"Your royal gourdliness," Jason says. "These are the perpetrators of the heinous act against your curls of cheese! For their punishment... The Slap of No Return!"

King Apocalypse grins. "Proceed."

Jason turns to go about his business, but Pietro interrupts. "Wait! Won't you at least give the guilty parties the chance to speak in their own defense?!" Jason looks up at the King, who thinks about it for a second.

"You may speak."

Pietro relaxes a bit as Jason lowers his really big sword. "I don't need a reminder of its size!" Pietro snaps, eyeing it.

Author: It's fun to make him nervous.

"Well... as I understand it, the snacks in question were right out in the open, in a large bowl! I think we'll all agree that was somewhat misleading... Don't you think?"

Jason looks at the King again, who nods, then frowns. "Slap them."

Jason shrugs... well, sort of, and brings his sword back up. Pietro panics while the Pirates start panicing in the background again. "No! You don't understand! I'm not REALLY with them..." Pietro appeals. "I mean... how could I be? While they were taking the tour, I was in the belly of a whale!"

Jason freezes. The crowd shuts up. "What... did you... say?"

Pietro doesn't get the point of the reaction. "I said while they were on the tour... I was in the belly of a whale!"

The crowd gasps and Jason steps back, clearly freaking out. "But... you are not dead!"

"No!" Pietro agrees. "That's just it! I was in the whale for 3 days and nights! Then I prayed to my God, and the great monster spit me up onto the shore... So that I could bring you all a message!"

Jason twitches and the crowd whispers among themselves.

"MEOW!"

Author: I said WHISPERS.

The King approaches the edge of his balcony. "This isn't gonna break under me is it?"

Author: Maybe if you'd lost some weight...

The King glares, then speaks. "Hmm... Asparagus, here in Nineveh we bow to the Great Fish... We celebrate the Great Fish in our art..."

Pietro looks at the fish pictures on the buildings and then up at the large metal one hanging over his head. "Yes, I noticed..."

"If what you are saying is true..." The King thinks about it for a moment.

"Yes," Jason agrees. "How do we know if he is telling the truth, sire?"

"Smell him."

"Y-your highness?"

"Smell him."

Jason awkwardly steps toward Pietro and sniffs. He staggers back, looking like he might pass out. "Whoah! Stay outta the gym lockers!"

"Er," says Pietro. "I'm... terribly sorry... I've been meaning to shower..."

"He has been in the Great Fish!" the King cries. "We must hear the message."

Pietro blinks, confused. "What? Oh... the message... Yes..." He can't quite remember, what with the mess of the last few days. "...the message... oh dear what was the message?"

"Common, yo!" Todd says.

"It's been so long... I...Oh! Yes. Ahem." Pietro collects himself, then shouts, "Stop it!"

The crowd gasps- "MEOW!"

Author: Someone... please... kill him... oh man, I need an aspirin.

"Stop cheating! Stop lying! And especially, stop slapping people with fishes! Or this entire city will be destroyed!" Pietro looks around, heightening the dramatic effect. "A message from the Lord!"

_Well, the King was very upset! He had no idea they weren't supposed to do that stuff! No one had ever told him before!_

A decree is handed to Jason, who clears his throat and generally looks very important. "A decree from the King! Let everyone call urgently to God! Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. Perhaps the God that brought this man out of the Great Fish will give us a second chance." The crowd erupts and everyone smiles... ok...

"And let the asparagus and his friends go free!" Apocalypse adds. "That's KING Apocalypse to you, sadistic mortal!"

Author: Apocaroach!

King Apocalypse twitches.

They are all untied and congratulated by the crowd. Happy happy. "MEOW!"

-Boom!-

Author: Ah, Storm, there you are. Over your hangover?

"No, he was giving me one helluva hangover... do you have any aspirin?"

_So the King and the people of Nineveh said they were sorry, stopped the fish-slapping, and started being nice to people... I feel really cheesy saying that..._

Back to the resteraunt. "Wow!" Amara exclaims. "That's great!"

"Yeah!" Jamie agrees. "Everyone musta been really happy, right?"

"Well, almost everyone," Magneto replies.

Pietro and Todd are being thanked by all the people of Nineveh. "This is really good for business, yo," Todd adds as several small children run off, clutching Pietro plush toys.

"Yes, thank you! Farewell! Goodbye, thank you!"

_You see, Pietro figured God wouldn't really forgive the Ninevites. I mean, they had done some terrible stuff. No! He figured God had something else in mind!_

Pietro and Todd climb the canyon wall to a high spot that overlooks Nineveh. Pietro sighs. Todd is confused. "What are we doing?"

"Oh, it's time to watch the fun!"

"And what fun would that be?"

"Well, I did what I was supposed to do... I warned them that they were going to get in big trouble! So now that they've had their warning, it's time to watch God wipe them off the face of the earth! ...This guy's sort of conceited, ain't he?"

Author: Do I really have to say the "this is why I picked you" spiel?

"I hate you."

Todd gives Pietro a quizzical look. He doesn't notice.

"I picked a safe distance so we won't get singed."

Pietro sits back to watch the destruction. Time goes by. The sun is high and hot in the sky. Nothing happens... Pietro is sweating, but still smiling. "This is gonna ruin my complexion!"

Author: Close, but not quite.

"Fine, fine. This is going to be great! The bad guys! Finally getting what they deserve!"

More time passes... Pietro begins to wilt.

_So Pietro waited for God to destroy Nineveh. Even now, God was compassionate towards Pietro and caused a plant to grow that shaded him from the hot sun..._

Pietro looks up and sees a large weed hanging over him like an umbrella. "Hmm? Oh! Yes! Very nice! Thank you! Very nice!"

He settles back. Todd looks from him to the weed, seeming hungry...

_Pietro kept waiting. But it didn't seem like anything was happening! He wondered if maybe God was forgetting something. Jeez, this guy just can't take a hint, can he?_

Pietro stands up, looks up, then back at Nineveh. "All right! I did my job! So... fire! Brimstone! Whatever! You pick! Right over there!. I'll just... sit here under my weed... and wait." Pietro forces a smile and leans back against the weed. Without warning, Pietro and the weed crash to the ground. Jonah sits up. "What-? What happened?" Pietro spots Todd, munching a mouthful of weed, and the gnawed stump.

"It's not flies, yo, but it'll do..."

"What? How could you?!"

Todd blinks. "Hmm? All your whining made me hungry, yo! It was just a weed..."

Author: Now here comes the not-so-funny vaguely preachy part... we can wait for you to skip it, don't worry.

"Just a weed?! It- it was my shade! It was my friend! Oh, dear Lord, how could you let this happen?"

Todd snaps. "Would you look at yourself?! You care more about that weed than all the people in Nineveh!"

"Well... I..."

"Why are you here now, yo? Instead of back in the belly of that whale? Ok, maybe this job does have perks. I get to yell at Pietro, yo!"

Author: You're ruining the seriousness of the moment here... not that I'm complaining...

Pietro blinks. "Because God is compassionate! He wanted to help you! And because he is merciful! He gave you a second chance!"

"Oh, yes- and I'm very grateful-"

"Has it ever occured to you that maybe God loves everybody, yo? Not just you! That maybe he wants to give everyone a second chance?!"

"Um- well-"

"He saw that those people needed help- that they didn't know right from wrong- and he wanted to help them, yo! And that is why he sent you!"

"Ah-"

"And when you told them what they were doing wrong they said they were sorry- they put down their mackerels and their halibuts- and they asked God for a second chance! And yo, he gave them one! Don't you see? God wants to give EVERYONE a second chance! And so should we!"

Pietro looks ok for a second, then he snaps back to his normal self and flops on the ground. "Well, if THEY get a second chance- those fish-slappers- well then... it would be better if I were dead! Oh I wish I were back in that whale!"

Pietro is quite clearly a basket case.

Author: And they just realized that now... Oh, btw, the preachy part is over. You can start reading again.

Todd stares at him, abashed. "You are pathetic. You know, patience runs very deep in my family, yo, but not THAT deep. I'm out of here!" He starts to walk off.

"What? What are you doing?"

Author: Well, scratch that. One last preachy bit.

"I wanted to be big and important... just like you! But the world doesn't need more people who are big and important- do I really have to say this next part, yo?"

Author: People have asked that before. What do you think my answer will be, Toddles?

"Fine, yo. The world needs more people who are NICE. And COMPASSIONATE. And MERCIFUL."

Author: Note how all the key words pop up in the chastising rant.

"You can find yourself a new traveling buddy. Goodbye."

"You can't just leave!"

"Can and am!"

"But... who will I talk to? You can't just leave me here all alone!" Todd and now even Xavier ignore him and walk off. "Hello? Xavier? Mortimer? Toynbee? Toad? Tolensky? TODD!!!"

Rather abruptly, we switch back to the resteraunt. The Pirates are still peering through the booth divider. "The end!" Magneto cries, then shuts the window.

"Waitaminute bubs... it's over?" Logan asks.

"Yup!"

"That's how it ends?!"

"Yup!"

"But what did Pietro learn?" Jamie asks.

Pyro reopens the screen. "The question, my friends, is not 'what did Pietro learn'. The question is what did YOU learn? ...hey, are those candles?"

Jamie ignores him and thinks about it for a second. "Well... I learned that we need to help people who need help... and we need to give second chances. Even if they don't deserve them. But what's that got to do with us?"

Magneto turns and looks at Logan. "Hey... tomato..."

"Eh?" Logan asks, a little confused. "What tomato? Where?"

"You, you idiot!" Storm calls from offscreen.

"Can I finish my part now please?"

Author: Please do.

"Your friend there... the big asparagus. If I'm not mistaken, he didn't do such a good job helping you with the map."

"Oh, it was a disaster!" Logan exclaims. "He said that he was sorry and that he'd do better next time, but no way bub! ...Mercy. I guess everyone deserves a second chance."

Hank grins.

"Yup!" Magneto agrees. "Now get outta here before my crab legs get cold!" They shut the window again. The veggies smile, then Hank snaps out of the "feel good" moment.

"You know, that still wasn't a very good way to end a story!"

"Well, whadaya want?" Magneto snaps from the other side of the barrier. "A big musical number?!"

Everyone looks at each other and nods. "Well, yeah!"

Magneto turns to Remy. "Who do they think I am... Twippo?"

"Oh, no, not him again!" Pyro and Remy mutter in unison.

"Yes?"

The veggies look up and into the lobby, where Pietro is standing, in a kind of Elvis outfit.

"Twippo!"

Pietro grins, a little apprehensively. "Hey! I thought my part was over!"

Author: I never said anything, did I?

"I hate you."

Author: Funny how many times I've heard that since I started doing parodies.

The veggies run up to him, Logan in front. "What are you doin' here?" Bob asks.

"Well, I've got a concert tonight," Pietro explains, "but I'm running late! Can't find route 59 to save my life! So I stopped here for directions!"

"Good luck wit' dat!" Remy yells from the Pirates' booth.

"Y' shut up!" Julien yells from... wherever he is...

Author: Oh Lord. Someone restrain them.

"We're going to your concert tonight!" Jamie cries, hoping to avoid an argument. "At least... we were..."

"And then- Mystique! As a porcupine!" Logan yells.

"And underwear!" Hank adds.

"And pirates!" Jubes agrees.

"And now it looks like we aren't going to make it at all," Logan finishes.

"Good heavens!" Pietro exclaims. "Well, if it's a ride you need, I've got plenty of room in my bus... you can all come with me!"

"Since when is Pietro this generous?" Storm asks, cocking her head.

Author: Since he got picked to be the provider of the Happy Ending (tm).

"Ah."

Everyone perks up and starts celebrating- 'cept for Amara that is. "Yeah, everyone but me..."

Jamie notices and thinks about it for a second. "Ms. Author-lady? Do I really have to do this?"

Author: Be nice to the Nova Roman Princess, 'k squirt? Besides, she can fry us all if you don't. Now here comes the Touching Part (also tm).

"Ok," Jamie says and smiles. He offers Amara his ticket. "Not like I really wanted to see Pietro sing anyway... Um, Amara, you can have my ticket."

Amara blinks, quite surprised (even though she has a copy of the script). "But Jamie, it was my fault."

Jamie smiles at her and offers her the ticket again. Amara smiles slowly and takes it.

Pietro seems impressed. "Why, that was a very compassionate thing to do!" He thinks for a second. "Tell you what... I'll give you all a ride to the concert and I'll make sure you ALL have backstage passes!"

Everyone cheers and celebrates. Once again, happy happy!

"Speaking of mercy," Pietro continues, "have any of you heard the story of a man named... Pietro?"

The veggies blink, then, in a chorused monotone, "Yes."

Pietro blinks. "Well... uh, would you like to hear a song about it then?"

"Is it like the bald bunny song?" Bobby interjects.

"Not really... it's more of a big musical number."

"Perfect!" Hank cries.

It changes to Pietro on a stage, holding a guitar. He strums it as he sings.

"**When I was a boy I went to church back home in Arizona-"**

"I thought I was Jewish!"

Author: Your part's almost over. Please, just sing the stupid song so we can go on with our lives!

"Fine, fine."

"**And that was where I heard the tale of a man who's name was Pietro**

**Now Pietro was a prophet, but that's not why he's remembered**

**We tell the tale, 'cause in a whale, he nearly was dismemembered!"**

Swing music starts and the curtain on the stage goes up. 2-D waves, dolphins, and clouds are the background. Pietro's still standing in front, but his guitar's gone, and he's swaying to the music. The Pirates come in, riding on little seahorse seats that rock up and down to the beat.

"I t'ink 'm gonna be sick..." Remy mumbles.

Author: Can't really tell; you're already green. Just sing.

**"Pietro was a prophet!"** the Pirates chorus.

**"Ooh, ooh!**" Pietro adds.

**"But he really never got it!"**

**"Sad but true!"**

**"If you've been watching you can spot it!"**

**"Doodly-doo!"**

**"He did not get the point!"**

Pietro hops up front again and starts sliding sideways across the stage to the rhythm. A spotlight that keeps changing colors (thanks to Julien and Jean-Luc) follows him.

**"Compassion and mercy**

**From me to you and you to me**

**Exactly what God wants to see**

**And yes, that is the point!"**

Now the Pirates pop out of a giant clamshell for their part.

**"Pietro was a prophet!"**

**"Ooh, ooh!"**

**"But he really never got it!"**

**"Sad but true!"**

**"If you've been watching you can spot it!"**

**"Doodly-doo!"**

**"He did not get the point!"**

A 2-d ship "sails" up and storm clouds come in. Pietro, now being Jonah again, jumps up on the ship cutout.

**"Now Pietro set sail**

**On a pirate ship in a dreadful gale!"**

Pietro hops off the ship and into the mouth of a big cutout whale. The Pirates take it.

**"Got eaten up by a giant whale**

**But managed not to be dead!"**

Pietro pops out of the whale, to prove he's still alive. He grins. The Pirates continue.

**"You'd think he would learn a lot**

**From being saved from an awful spot**

**But the second chance that he had got**

**He didn't want to be spread!"**

"That last line made no sense," Pietro comments, riding across the stage in the whale.

Author: It was probably late and it's hard to come up with song lyrics on short notice. Believe me, I know.

The scene changes from sea to land and the whale dumps out Pietro, leaving him sitting under a weed cutout. The Pirates hop toward him, still singing.

**"So poor old Pietro**

**Now he's all alone-a!**"

They get up to Pietro and a megaphone lowers in front of them.

**"Gotta use a megaphone-a**

**To get it through to his head!**

**HEY!"**

The stuff in the back gets blown away by the shout and Pietro hops out from behind the curtains. The Pirates start.

**"Pietro was a prophet!"**

**"Ooh, ooh!"**

**"But he really never got it!"**

**"Sad, but true!"**

**"If you've been watching you can spot it!"**

**"Doodly-doo!"**

**"He did not get the point!"**

They repeat this, and then Pietro disappears, to be lowered from the ceiling to say the next part. "Now, true in your life you probably don't ride on a camel-" Pyro comes swinging by on a cutout camel- "And you probably won't wake up inside a large aquatic mammal-" Remy comes swinging by on a cutout whale.

"I'm gonna throw up!"

Pietro ignores him. "But all the same, like Pietro, there is something you can do. Everyone deserves to get a second chance from you!"

There's a big horn fanfare as the lights behind them flash, and then the Pirates come out singing with Pietro.

"**Compassion and mercy**

**From me to you and you to me**

**Exactly what God wants to see**

**And yes that is the point!**"

They hop closer to the audience, getting softer and softer with each line.

**"Pietro was a prophet!"**

**"Ooh, ooh!"**

**"But he really never got it!"**

**"Sad, but true!"**

**"Pietro was a prophet!"**

**"Ooh, ooh!"**

**"But he really never got it!"**

**"Sad but true!"**

Then they yell.

"**PIETRO WAS A PROPHET!"**

There's a big finish, and then someone interrupts from offscreen.

"I beg your pardon, yo," says a voice, "I hate to break up the party, but who need a tow?" Yep, it's Todd again. He's in a little worker jacket that says "Todd" on it.

Everyone stares at him.

"What's up with the reusing of the characters?" Jamie asks, cocking his head.

Author: I don't have a neat little acronym for this one. It's a sight gag that makes the whole movie seem like some surreal dream.

"If I pretend I understand that can we finish up?" Jamie asks.

Author: Yep. Pietro?

"Ah..." Pietro stammers, hopping closer. "Have we met?"

Todd grins and raises his eyebrows at the camera.

Author: And that's a wrap folks!

Everyone starts to hop off to parts unknown, but Storm stops the Pirates. "You guys get to do the ending song!"

"Oh, merde!"

Author: NO SWEARING!

A second later, Remy gets pushed out on the stage.

**"Dis is de song dat runs under de credits**

**Dese are de credits, so dis is where it goes**

**Has nuttin' t' do wit' de movie so we'll say**

**Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!**"

Magneto comes out and joins him, looking just as thrilled.

**"There once was a song that ran under the credits**

**It went with the movie but this is not that song**

**Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say**

**Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!"**

Pyro joins them, playing with his lighter. "Remy jus' curious. What happened t' de ridiculous overplayin' o' his accent?"

Author: Magneto doesn't have an accent, duh! Unless you count old-guy, but there's no way to codify that.

"**Wouldn't it be nice if the song under the credits**

**Had something to do with the movie you just saw**

**But that's not the case so for now we'll have to say**

**Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!**

**There should be a rule that the song under the credits**

**Remotely pretains to the movie's basic plot**

**That rule has not been made so for now we'll have to say**

**Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!"**

"Come on!" Remy shouts.

"**Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey**

**Hey hey hey hey hey hey- **

**hey hey hey!**

**Lalalala ping!"**

"I'm a little winded," Magneto says, dropping out of the song.

"Ok!" Remy cries. "I'm gonna go home and take a nap!"

"Come on, we have contractual obligations to finish the song!" Magneto objects.

"They paid for a full 7 chapters of entertainment pal, get back here!" Pyro yells.

"Wake me up for the prequel!" Remy shouts.

"Hey- wait, this is a standalone, how can there BE a prequel?"

"We're the X-men. There's always a prequel."

"Oh, right."

"Oh, come on!" Magneto yells. "We were just startin' to have fun! Heh heh heh heh hey... aww man... I need a tums..." He walks off the stage with Remy, leaving behind a very confused Pyro.

"What? What, are we done? You mean that's it? Zip ba ba do bop ba long bang bing! Hey hey ho ho ho hey hey ho ho ho hey... if you want me I'll be on the porch."

Author: Idiots. Now that's it. The end! If you want info on my other parodies, read on. If not, review ya moochers! Why are you stil reading this! Go away! ...well, review first.

(That is the end. I'm gonna do some more parodies though. These stupid things are really addicting. All right, the next one I wanna do will be called: The Cajun and the Artist. No, it's not Romy (sadly) it's Kiotr. It'll be slower, since I have yet to find a script for it. It'll be out sooner or later... the end! REVIEW!)


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